Woody Allen, formally Heywood "Woody" Allen, born Allan Stewart Konigsberg

Allen, formally Heywood "Woody" Allen, born Allan Stewart Konigsberg

American Comedian, Actor, Director, Writer and Playwright

Author Quotes

Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

I believe that life has meaning and that all people, rich and poor, dwell at the end in the city of God. Because, of course, Manhattan is becoming uninhabitable.

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don?t care about the films. I don?t care if they?re flushed down the toilet after I die.

I foresee death by culture shock.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

It figures you?ve got to hate yourself if you?ve got any integrity at all.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Living is messy.

Mrs. Sol Schwimmer is suing me because I made ??her bridge as I felt it and not to fit her ridiculous mouth! That's right! I cannot work to order like a common tradesman! I decided her bridge should be enormous and billowing, with wild, explosive teeth flaring up in every direction like fire! Now she is upset because it will not fit in her mouth! She is so bourgeois and stupid. I want to smash her! I tried forcing the false plate in but it sticks out like a star burst chandelier. Still, I find it beautiful.

Not only is there no God, but trying getting a plumber on weekends.

Regarding love, what can you say? It?s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It?s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don?t think that he?s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he?s an underachiever.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

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Allen, formally Heywood "Woody" Allen, born Allan Stewart Konigsberg
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American Comedian, Actor, Director, Writer and Playwright