Bauvard Bauvard

c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You

Author Quotes

Having good intentions isn?t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn?t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft ? I took away your dignity as a mannequin

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

It?s best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn?t sweat very much.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note

Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.

The problem with our society is that our values aren?t in the right place. There?s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don?t bother introducing yourself.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

Nothing is more attractive than universal appeal. That is what makes androgyny the peacekeeping persuasion.

So many things happen that we can't control, its best not to worry about what we can. Believing you can change the world has a terrible effect on one's ego.

The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one.

What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ?excuse me?.

Just relax. Everyone around you is working too hard.

One nation, under God, with consciousness ? the practical man serves the highest abstraction with juggling training.

Some people won't have kids, but I?m not going to have parents. I?m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology?s only credible conspiracy.

What?s outside my head and what?s inside my head aren?t worth mentioning. What?s worth mentioning is what?s on my head ? my hair. Whatever happens, I?ll still be as fashionably coiffed as I was before the war broke out and I got dementia.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

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c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You