Great Throughts Treasury

This site is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Alan William Smolowe who gave birth to the creation of this database.

Bauvard Bauvard

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You

"A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas."

"A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position."

"A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her."

"A mother?s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"A ransom note, the true test of unconditional love."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"After all else, there?s more yet: I don?t know what, though."

"A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life."

"Attacking the person instead of the argument is condemned in logic, widespread in physics, and not used nearly enough in humanism."

"As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success."

"An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it."

"An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education."

"Artists are the serfs of a leisure society."

"Aping the lower class will only lead to fatherless children, unusable muscles, and the fear of tomorrow?s sobriety."

"Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation."

"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father's memory to their fellow inmates."

"Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct."

"Cannibal: epicures who abstain from alcohol and tobacco. As moral guides, they are underutilized in the police forces of modern societies."

"Carnal love: a practical man?s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you?re kinky. If you can?t hear it, you?re probably better suited to its more abstract form."

"Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities."

"Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes."

"Divorce runs high these days, but I?m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular."

"Careers are not made in a family business, they are born ? by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business."

"Don't swallow: your bulging, blushing cheeks display the saliva you want to share."

"Don?t take drugs. Asking politely promotes healthy stereotypes."

"Don't believe anything I say. My point of view is merely objective."

"Don't drink away your dreams; drink towards them."

"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"

"Einstein?s remark on the limitlessness of human stupidity is made even more disturbing by the discovery that infinity comes in different sizes. Answering ?How much stupider?? or trying to measure the minimal idiocy bounded by an IQ test are mysteries which are themselves infinitely less alarming than simply attempting to tally the anti-savant population. One can count all the natural idiots (they?re the same as the even number of idiots ? twice as many), but the number of real idiots continues forever: all the counting idiots (finger reckoners) plus all the fractional idiots (geniuses on a bad day) plus all the irrational idiots (they go on and on and on) add up to a world in which the approaching upper limit of our set of natural resources has its complement in the inexhaustible lower limit of our set of mental ones."

"Envy is for people who don?t have the self-esteem to be jealous."

"Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better."

"Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives."

"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."

"Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents."

"First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back."

"Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs."

"Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm."

"Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits."

"Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone."

"Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep."

"Gold is the dazzling element of silence. Arsenic is the untraceable one."

"Having good intentions isn?t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent."

"Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."

"Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk."

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can?t be him, I?m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he?s dead."

"Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me."