Bauvard Bauvard

c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You

Author Quotes

Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn?t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.

I?m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don?t think people are interchangeable like that.

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol.

People are always insinuating that I?m rude. They say things like Shh, and Careful what you say, and I think that guy?s listening in on our conversation.

Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch.

There are lots of things sons shouldn?t imagine about their mothers, above all what it was like to become one.

When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can?t be him, I?m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he?s dead.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people?s nightmares.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it?s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

Spending one?s last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden.

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

When it?s not enough to veto your children?s tendencies, you must in vitro them.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I?m very well endowed.

I happen to find ceilings much lovelier than the night sky myself. Sometimes I just stare at them for hours and wonder what could be up there.

If I weren?t too proud, I?d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ?enemy? folder.

Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.

Spontaneous abortion: the opposite of immaculate conception. God has compensated for Christianity?s violent history by revealing that innocent blood does not have to be spilt.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius.

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c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You