Bauvard Bauvard

c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You

Author Quotes

Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Mothers do not have love affairs. Before their children they have dreams, and after their children they have delusions. If the father is involved somewhere, they have fantasies.

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Water is very bad for one?s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.

Without humor, we?d all be what we?re laughing at. Without arrogance, we?d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.

I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success.

I may be slow, but I know a racist when I?m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.

It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact.

Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them.

Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented.

Gold is the dazzling element of silence. Arsenic is the untraceable one.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist.

It is remarkably precocious when a person accomplishes anything after the age of thirty.

Never proscribe a child?s vitality ? prescribe it.

Self-awareness of one?s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

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c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You