Bauvard Bauvard

c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You

Author Quotes

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect.

Carnal love: a practical man?s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you?re kinky. If you can?t hear it, you?re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone.

I don?t know the kind of person I?ll be tomorrow, but I?ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask What was that guy?s problem? The future is full of condescending jerks.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up ? my disillusionment.

If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink.

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

Use condoms; it?s wise not to gamble with your children's future.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you've been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

After all else, there?s more yet: I don?t know what, though.

Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities.

Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs.

I don?t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded ? unless I read the book.

Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.

The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.

Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs ? each section of a department store has its advantages.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.

Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.

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c. 1985

Author of Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic, The Prince Of Plungers and I Had a Dream About You