Erma Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

Erma
Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste
1927
1996

American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author

Author Quotes

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty?

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices.

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Sexually active coat hangers are at their peak when they are in a small closet. We once lived in an apartment with a closet so small it couldn't support a rod... just two nails. Within a week (the shortest gestation in the history of coat hangers) we had thirty-seven of those little suckers.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop?

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

Of the little less than a million eligibles roaming around, 5 percent don't know their sign and don't even care. Another 5 percent are tied to their mothers by a food fixation. That leaves only 20 percent who are searching for a girl who will pick up their clothes, run their baths, burn her fingers shelling their three-minute eggs, run their errands, bear them a child every year, look like a fashion model, tend their needs when they are sick, and hold down a full-time job outside the home to make payments on their boat.

She's as funny as a toothache

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Oh, quit being such a Pollyanna.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Author Picture
First Name
Erma
Last Name
Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste
Birth Date
1927
Death Date
1996
Bio

American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author