Erma Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author

Author Quotes

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

The words of young Ted Kennedy, Jr., who lost his leg to cancer. People are taught we should look perfect, he said. I wondered who would ever go out with a kid with one leg.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course, I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

There is a rumor that seven states are considering overpruning as a cause for divorce, second only to incompatibility and adultery. I hope our state is one of them. No judge would dare deny me freedom after he heard the story of my privet hedge.

When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. And how do you know laughter if there is no pain to compare it with?

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

You were our first miracle. You were the genesis of a marriage, the fulfillment of love, the promise of our infinity...You were the beginning.

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

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Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste
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American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author