Erma Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author

Author Quotes

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

We've got a generation now who were born with semi-equality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attaché cases and our three-piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

What's it for?"

Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

The words of young Ted Kennedy, Jr., who lost his leg to cancer. People are taught we should look perfect, he said. I wondered who would ever go out with a kid with one leg.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

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Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste
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American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author