Erma Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste

American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author

Author Quotes

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Raising a family wasn't something I put on my resumé, but I have to ask myself, would I apply for the same job again?

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart.

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty?

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices.

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Bombeck, fully Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste
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American Writer, Humorist, Newspaper Columnist, Best-selling Book Author