Finley Peter Dunne

Finley Peter

American Journalist, Humorist, Creator of "Mr. Dooley"

Author Quotes

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it, but it's a kind iv a disgrace.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.

The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale, an' th' rest'll be rubber, (plastic!)

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

There are no friends at cards or world politics.

Vice ... is a creature of such heejous mien ... that th' more ye see it th' betther ye like it.

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

Vice is such a hideous creature, that the more you see of it the better you like it.

Th' affiction iv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryable fatal.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night.

Whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks political meetin's, an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints, an' makes up his mind ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.

You can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think.

One of the strange things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

In England a man is presoomed to be innocent till he's proved guilty an' they take it f 'r granted he's guilty. In this counthry a man is presoomed to be guilty ontil he's proved guilty an' afther that he's presoomed to be innocent.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

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Finley Peter
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American Journalist, Humorist, Creator of "Mr. Dooley"