Fran Lebowitz, fully Frances Ann "Fran" Lebowitz
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.
Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.
The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.
Writing is so hard. Why would you be a writer if you weren't really good at it? If you could be anything else, why would you be a writer?
The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.
To me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
Writing pornography is deadly, nothing duller. I mean a toll-taker has a more exciting life than a pornographer.
The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you
To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment to them when they're 15 years old. Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?
You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.
The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
Until I was about 7, I thought books were just there, like trees. When I learned that people actually wrote them, I wanted to, too, because all children aspire to inhuman feats like flying. Most people grow up to realize they can't fly. Writers are people who don't grow up to realize they can't be God.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
The terrible state of public education has paid huge dividends in ignorance. Huge. We now have a country that can be told blatant lies Â— easily checkable, blatant lies &mdash and I'm not talking about the covert workings of the CIA. When we have a terrorist attack, on September 11, 2001 with 19 men Â— 15 of them are Saudis Â— and five minutes later the whole country thinks they're from Iraq Â— how can you have faith in the public? This is an easily checkable fact. The whole country is like the O.J. Simpson jurors.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
The word that best describes my feeling of having written is triumphant Â— triumphant on the level of Alexander the Great. Having overcome your worst fear, the thing you are most vulnerable to, that is the definition of heroic.