Fran Lebowitz, fully Frances Ann "Fran" Lebowitz
There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.
When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is really startling.
There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. You see, advice and lovelorn don't go together. Because advice makes love sound like some sort of cognitive activity, but we know that it isn't. We all know that it's some sort of horrible chemical reaction over which we have absolutely no control. And that's why advice doesn't work.
Whenever I am doing anything else, which is most of the time, even if it is not something like robbing a bank, I feel felonious. Writing is what I'm supposed to be doing.
Think before you speak. Read before you think.
Whilst it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.
Technological innovation has done great damage ... to eating habits. Food is now available in such unpleasant forms that one frequently finds smoking between courses to be an aid to digestion.
This is not a tough job. You read a script. If you like the part and the money is O.K., you do it. Then you remember your lines. You show up on time. You do what the director tells you to do. When you finish, you rest and then go on to the next part. That's it.
Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.
Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.
The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.
Writing is so hard. Why would you be a writer if you weren't really good at it? If you could be anything else, why would you be a writer?
The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.
To me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
Writing pornography is deadly, nothing duller. I mean a toll-taker has a more exciting life than a pornographer.
The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you
To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment to them when they're 15 years old. Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?
You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.
The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.