Garrison Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor

Garrison
Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor
1942

American Author, Storyteller, Humorist, Essayist and Radio Personality, Creator of Radio’s “A Prairie Home Companion”

Author Quotes

The problem with paradise is that it's temporary: You don't belong here and the neighbors are nobody you care to know, so it's only blissful for a week or so.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?

You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.

The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think of the damage they would do if they were at the job instead, you can see why golf courses are a wise investment for any municipality.

We carry adolescence around in our bodies all our lives. We get through the Car Crash Age alive and cruise through our early twenties as cool dudes, wily, dashing, winsome . . . shooting baskets, the breeze, the moon, and then we try to become caring men, good husbands, great fathers, good citizens.

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

The term "evil powers" is one you hear only in the church, or in Marvel comic books, or Republican speeches.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

You taught me to be nice, so nice that now I am so full of niceness, I have no sense of right and wrong, no outrage, no passion.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

We live a pleasant life shopping at the Food Shoppe ... taking the kids to the Weinery- Beanery... and eating bran flakes ... and then, with no warning, we wake up one morning stricken with middle age, full of loneliness, dumb, in pain. Our work is useless, our vocation is lost, and nobody cares about us at all. This is not bearable. In despair, we go do something spectacularly dumb, like run away with Amber the cocktail waitress, and suddenly all the women in our life look at us with unmitigated disgust.

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

There's no mastery to be had. You love the attempt. You don't master a story any more than you master a river. You feel lucky to canoe down it.

We want government to stave off lawlessness and war and chaos and economic misery so that we can wholeheartedly enjoy the pure goodness of life.

You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We were not allowed to go to movies because they glorified worldliness. People drank in movies. They drank like fish. They smoked cigarettes. They danced. And we did not do those things. I don't think people smoked as much on radio.

The gains in life come slowly and the losses come on suddenly. You work for years to get your life the way you want it and buy the big house and the time share on Antigua and one afternoon you…

They will become a prison of their own.

We writers don't really think about whether what we write is good or not. It's too much to worry about. We just put the words down, trying to get them right, operating by some inner sense of pitch and proportion, and from time to time, we stick the stuff in an envelope and ship it to an editor.

The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

They would not be smart enough to pour piss out of their boots, if the instructions were written on the sole.

Author Picture
First Name
Garrison
Last Name
Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor
Birth Date
1942
Bio

American Author, Storyteller, Humorist, Essayist and Radio Personality, Creator of Radio’s “A Prairie Home Companion”