Garrison Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor

Garrison
Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor
1942

American Author, Storyteller, Humorist, Essayist and Radio Personality, Creator of Radio’s “A Prairie Home Companion”

Author Quotes

And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.' Please, God. I'm only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving. I was,' says God. 'For eons. And look at what it got me. You.' God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. 'Sorry, but I'm the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - I've got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that's the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But I've told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it's too late. Time's up, buster. Lights out! Game's over!

Free enterprise runs on self-interest. This is socialism and it runs on loyalty… if people were going to live by comparison shopping, the town would go bust… If you live there you have to take it as a whole. That's loyalty.

I think that book publishing is about to slide into the sea. We live in a literate time, and our children are writing up a storm, often combining letters and numbers.... The future of publishing: 18 million authors in America, each with an average of 14 readers, eight of whom are blood relatives. Average annual earnings: $175.

It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?

Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead.

The fundamental religion of most of mankind is the faith that God has revealed Himself to us and not to the barbarians. Our tribe is the one God chose and so if we vanquish the other tribes and rain fire and destruction on them, we're only carrying out God's Will.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Freedom doesn't mean aimlessness. We can't just sleepwalk through life.... Freedom demands structure.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, “You can't say that.”

I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.

Powdered milk biscuits: Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. Powder Milk biscuits: Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness.

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids — all the places where the gravy soaks in and grace shines through.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I've wanted to be a writer since I was a boy, though it seemed an unlikely outcome since I showed no real talent. But I persevered and eventually found my own row to hoe. Ignorance of other writers' work keeps me from discouragement and I am less well-read than the average bus driver.

Minnesota is a state of public-spirited and polite people, where you can get a good cappucino and eat Thai food and find any book you want and yet live on a quiet tree-lined street with a backyard and send your kids to public school. When a state this good hits the jackpot, it can only be an inspiration to everybody.

Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

God writes a lot of comedy, Donna, the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

I was afraid you had deceased, or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.

Author Picture
First Name
Garrison
Last Name
Keillor, fully Gary Edward "Garrison" Keillor
Birth Date
1942
Bio

American Author, Storyteller, Humorist, Essayist and Radio Personality, Creator of Radio’s “A Prairie Home Companion”