George Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums

Author Quotes

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

You can now buy vibrating panties. They're a kind of thong with a built-in vibrator. Just what we needed.

You know what we need? Black Jell-o.

You're just another American who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer, the National Enquirer says he's "vowed to lick this thing." Just once I'd like to hear a guy say, "I've got cancer, and this is it. I'll be dead in a few months.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I'll bet they 'd really enjoy going to school every day.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is it the only time you ever hear the word 'figment' it's in relation to the imagination? Aren't there any other kinds of figments?

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

You know what you never see? A Korean guy with freckles and a big hook nose.

When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”.

When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spend on hold.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage?" Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

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Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin
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American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums