John Hodgman


American Author and Humorist

Author Quotes

I feel that there is a decision people make to either engage in a legitimately ridiculous process to get your kid into school, or choose not to engage in that so much, and end up finding a nice local school that fits.

It?s been a tough couple of years for condescending nerds. And if bookstores fall, Jon, America will be inundated with a wandering, snarky underclass of unemployable purveyors of useless and arcane esoterica.

Part of the transaction between writer and reader is the pleasure of building a community and encouraging people to play along.

The villain of any story is often the most compelling character.

While I understand that all things must come to an end, whether it's a television advertisement or one's life or the world itself, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I have a lot of cultural references that have amassed in my brain like shrapnel over the years that are meaningful to me.

Life may be miraculous in its unlikelihood in the universe, but it would be a fallacy to suggest that its rareness makes it inextinguishable.

People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house.

There had been hoboes in the United States since there had been trains and liquor, which is to say, always.

Yeah, but Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. If anything, we use war as a metaphor for sports.

I have learned that newborn infants roll their eyes around and move their heads and their arms in short jerky spasms. And if you homeschool them, they will stay this way forever.

Like most experts, I've always defined a planet in common-sense terms: Can you beam down to it? Is it populated by green-skinned women? Would Galactus eat it for food?

People who run for president seriously and people who become president enter a bizarre secret society in which they have had an experience that none of us will ever have.

There's a tradition in American fiction that is deadly serious and earnest - like the Steinbeckian social novel.

You can't fight a war on terror if you're ending a sentence with a preposition.

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

Look at Dick Cheney. Financially he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night.

Perhaps it will be that some new old god comes. Say his name is DOZGOTH, the 701st, and say he takes pity on us. And a thousand years after all the suffering of RAGNOROK, he will retcon us back to the very day this book was published. You will remember nothing of what happened or what you did to survive. The only evidence that any of this ever happened will be this book, and the fact that you now have a tentacle instead of an arm. But you will explain that away simply by saying you are wearing an octopus sleeve. The mind can explain so many things when it wants to close its eyes and sleep.

This is not to say there are not Chicagoans. But I would suggest that they are a nomadic people, whose lost home exists only in their minds, and in the glowing crystal memory cells they all carry in the palms of their hands: a great idea of a second city, lit with life and love, reasonable drink prices at cool bars, and, of course, blocks and blocks of bright and devastating fire.

I know nothing about letting go.

Manly deeds, womanly hands.

Perhaps only one person will remember what really happened, and he will be named Jonathan Coulton. But he cannot tell anyone, for he is but an animal.

This is one of the defining sorrows of books: that we cannot see one another.

I Know you are asking: What if I am wrong?

Many people, many girls have tried to teach me the rules to football. And you would think that it would get in my head that way, but I just don't understand it.

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American Author and Humorist