John Hodgman


American Author and Humorist

Author Quotes

This is not to say there are not Chicagoans. But I would suggest that they are a nomadic people, whose lost home exists only in their minds, and in the glowing crystal memory cells they all carry in the palms of their hands: a great idea of a second city, lit with life and love, reasonable drink prices at cool bars, and, of course, blocks and blocks of bright and devastating fire.

I know nothing about letting go.

Manly deeds, womanly hands.

Perhaps only one person will remember what really happened, and he will be named Jonathan Coulton. But he cannot tell anyone, for he is but an animal.

This is one of the defining sorrows of books: that we cannot see one another.

I Know you are asking: What if I am wrong?

Many people, many girls have tried to teach me the rules to football. And you would think that it would get in my head that way, but I just don't understand it.

Perhaps the Mayans WERE wrong.

This pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, and the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year. Or, as the government refers to them, citizens.

I still have a fondness for books. Many a time I will be antiquing, and I'll say, 'What's that old-timey curio over there? What is that, a candlestick telephone, one of those old pull-chain toilets? Oh no, it's a book. I used to help make those things! I will buy it and use it to decorate my chain of casual family-dining restaurants.

Maybe we WILL enter a new era of consciousness.

Publishers, editors, agents all have one thing in common, aside from their love of cocktail parties. It's an incredible taste and an ability to find and nurture authors.

Truth may be stranger than fiction, goes the old saw, but it is never as strange as lies. (Or, for that matter, as true.)

I think that obviously, there is a perverse attraction to a fundamentally changed world or the end of the world. There is a death wish, a perverse death wish. Not just for ourselves, not just for the movie 'Death Wish,' but for the end of all human life.

Maybe we will NOT destroy ourselves with technology.

Science is not science. It's an art, like... art, in a way.

We all know he kept a bowl of live frogs by his resting slab in the Oval Office that he would snack on during meetings.

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports.

Hosting a TV show is a full-time job in which success is defined by it never ending.

Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. [on soccer]

Houdini, the magician who debunked magic, could not bear to see the great rationalist [Arthur Conan] Doyle enchanted by ghosts and frauds. And so he did what any friend would: He set out to prove spiritualism false and rob his friend Doyle of the only comforting fiction that was keeping him sane. It was the least he could do.

And parents, some old fashioned kitchen wisdom for dealing with those lice: take your child and cover his hair with mayonnaise and shove him outside because he disgraced your house by bringing lice into it.

How to Win a Fight - Step 1: Always make eye contact. Step 2: Go ahead and use henchmen - these days it's unnecessary and frowned upon to fight your own battles, especially with so many henchmen out of work. Step 3: Run lots of attack ads - I have run about 500 attack ads this year, and I expect that I will buy even more air time next year, because my enemies are getting stronger.

Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do.

I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author.

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American Author and Humorist