John Hodgman


American Author and Humorist

Author Quotes

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports.

Hosting a TV show is a full-time job in which success is defined by it never ending.

Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. [on soccer]

Houdini, the magician who debunked magic, could not bear to see the great rationalist [Arthur Conan] Doyle enchanted by ghosts and frauds. And so he did what any friend would: He set out to prove spiritualism false and rob his friend Doyle of the only comforting fiction that was keeping him sane. It was the least he could do.

And parents, some old fashioned kitchen wisdom for dealing with those lice: take your child and cover his hair with mayonnaise and shove him outside because he disgraced your house by bringing lice into it.

How to Win a Fight - Step 1: Always make eye contact. Step 2: Go ahead and use henchmen - these days it's unnecessary and frowned upon to fight your own battles, especially with so many henchmen out of work. Step 3: Run lots of attack ads - I have run about 500 attack ads this year, and I expect that I will buy even more air time next year, because my enemies are getting stronger.

Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do.

I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author.

As a freelance writer, I'd be asked to become an expert for various magazines on any subject, whether food or wine or history or the life span of veterinarians. I was completely unschooled in any of these things.

I am amused by cricket because it seems to take longer than baseball and I like that. It seems like a sport I could have made up it - it takes several days to play and everyone wears sweaters. I can't confess to knowing what's going on at all.

As you know, the thing that I know the least about is the topic of sports.

I am not an Internet superstar.

Comedy does offer an avenue to television and film careers for untelegenic people that great drama does not.

I am someone who values truth - actual truth as opposed to 'truthiness.'

Comics have a problem, and that is continuity - the obsession with placing the characters in an existing world, where every event is marked in canon. You're supposed to believe that these weepy star boys of now are the same gung-ho super teens fighting space monsters in the '60s, and they've only aged perhaps five years.

I do not think that a museum needs to engage with pop culture in order to make itself interesting to museumgoers. Museums are already interesting and engaging with pop culture for its own sake is just a quick way to seem and become dated.

Creating fake facts does require a measure of haphazard research, insofar as they need to not just be possible, but also interesting.

Everyone wants to write a book. Very few people are able to do it.

First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

For a long time, I would write without music, because I thought it was distracting until I appreciated that it actually unlocks a certain unconscious productivity vault in my mind.

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American Author and Humorist