John Hodgman

John
Hodgman
1971

American Author and Humorist

Author Quotes

Creating fake facts does require a measure of haphazard research, insofar as they need to not just be possible, but also interesting.

Everyone wants to write a book. Very few people are able to do it.

First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

For a long time, I would write without music, because I thought it was distracting until I appreciated that it actually unlocks a certain unconscious productivity vault in my mind.

A lot of media that that I want to consume, I don't want to have to own forever and ever. It's not like real estate.

For the first time in history, well-educated, affluent, white males are going to have their say.

A lot of my time is spent reading antique or out-of-print books of reference.

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the Earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

Generally speaking, I, like anyone else who does anything publicly, like it when people like what I do, and would like to hear as much.

All books should be trilogies; I mean I think we all agree on that.

Here's the thing: I am not only a creature of civilization, I'm an asthmatic person. I will only live so long as I have stockpiled the proper inhalers. I'm effectively a cyborg. You know how in Jurassic Park, they bred those dinosaurs with the lysine deficiencies, so if they ever got off the island, they'd die? That's me.

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports.

Hosting a TV show is a full-time job in which success is defined by it never ending.

Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. [on soccer]

Houdini, the magician who debunked magic, could not bear to see the great rationalist [Arthur Conan] Doyle enchanted by ghosts and frauds. And so he did what any friend would: He set out to prove spiritualism false and rob his friend Doyle of the only comforting fiction that was keeping him sane. It was the least he could do.

And parents, some old fashioned kitchen wisdom for dealing with those lice: take your child and cover his hair with mayonnaise and shove him outside because he disgraced your house by bringing lice into it.

How to Win a Fight - Step 1: Always make eye contact. Step 2: Go ahead and use henchmen - these days it's unnecessary and frowned upon to fight your own battles, especially with so many henchmen out of work. Step 3: Run lots of attack ads - I have run about 500 attack ads this year, and I expect that I will buy even more air time next year, because my enemies are getting stronger.

Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do.

I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author.

Author Picture
First Name
John
Last Name
Hodgman
Birth Date
1971
Bio

American Author and Humorist