Mark Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Mark
Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens
1835
1910

American Writer, Humorist

Author Quotes

I could not really complain, because he had only given me his word of honor as security; I ought to have required of him something substantial.

I don't know anything that mars a good literature so completely as too much truth. Facts contain a great deal of poetry, but you can't use too many of them without damaging your literature.

I have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I have no special regard for Satan; but, I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way, on account of his not having a fair show. All religions issue bibles against him, and say the most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. We have none but the evidence for the prosecution, and yet we have rendered the verdict. To my mind, this is irregular. It is un-English, it is un-American; it is French.

I asked tom if countries always apologize when they had done wrong, and he says, 'Yes, the little one does.'

I couldn't bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else.

I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices.

I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That?s bad enough for me.

I deal with temptation by yielding to it.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

I have replaced his tin life with a silver-gilt fiction.

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

I deserve it all. Let the cold world do its worst; one thing I know--there's a grave somewhere for me. The world may go on just as its always done, and take everything from me--loved ones, property, everything--but it can't take that. Someday I'll lie down in it and forget it all, and my poor broken heart will be at rest.

I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

I have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came along.

I beseech your good lordship that order be taken to change this law?oh, let no more poor creatures be visited with its tortures.

I desire to tamper with the jury law. I wish to alter it as to put a premium on intelligence and character, and close the jury box against idiots, blacklegs, and people who do not read newspapers.

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing.

I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.

I did not steal your paltry goods!

Author Picture
First Name
Mark
Last Name
Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Birth Date
1835
Death Date
1910
Bio

American Writer, Humorist