Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Humanity has unquestionably one really effective weapon?laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution?these can lift at a colossal humbug?push it a little?weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
I am different from [George] Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
He stopped, blushed, then continued low and sadly: Ah, my malady persecuteth me again, and my mind wandereth. I meant the King's grace no irreverence.
Herodotus says, Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
I am glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner.
He vanished, and left me appalled; for I knew, and realized, that all he had said was true.
High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water.
Honor is a harder master than law.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I am not given to exaggeration, and when I say a thing I mean it.
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
His grammar is foolishly correct, offensively precise. It flaunts itself in the reader's face all along, and struts and smirks and shows off, and is in a dozen ways irritating and disagreeable. To be serious, I write good grammar myself, but not in that spirit, I am thankful to say. That is to say, my grammar is of a high order, though not at the top. Nobody's is. Perfect grammar?persistent, continuous, sustained?is the fourth dimension, so to speak: many have sought it, but none has found it.
Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers; when I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him
Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. By forever, I mean thirty years.
I am not interested to know whether vivisection produces results that are profitable to the human race or doesn't...The pain which it inflicts upon un-consenting animals is the basis of my enmity toward it, and it is to me sufficient justification of the enmity without looking further.
He was a very inferior farmer when he first begun . . . and he is now fast rising from affluence to poverty.
His hair was short and parted accurately in the middle, and he had all the look of an American person who would be likely to begin his signature with an initial, and spell his middle name out.
How blind and unreasoning and arbitrary are some of the laws of nature - the most of them, in fact!
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.
He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.
His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once.