P. J. O'Rourke

P. J.

American Political Satirist, Journalist, Writer and Author

Author Quotes

There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it's possible.

Until I carried my wife off to New Hampshire, she defined wilderness as the Bronx.

We got over feminism, too. At least women did, as soon as they were hired for those high-prestige jobs that only men used to have. It turns out that work sucks.

What I believed in the Sixties: Everything. You name it.

When someone detonates a suicide bomb, that person does not have career prospects.

The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots.

There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Upbeat is for people who want to feel good about their cause: the reformers, the progressives, the revolutionaries, the utopians, the collectivists, and the rest of the altruistic scum of the earth. Why do these people want to feel good? They want to feel good in order to convince themselves that they are good.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...

What is obnoxious about the motives of politicians - whatever those motives may be - is that politicians must announce their motives as visionary and grand.

When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.'

There are two organizations pushing for change in November - al Qaeda and the Democratic party. And they both have the same message: 'We're going to fix you, America.' On the whole, the terrorists have a more straightforward plan for fixing things. They're going to blow themselves up. Although, come to think of it, Howard Dean did that.

There's only one secret to bachelor cooking- not caring how it tastes.

Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.

We have the British motor industry as a role model for what happens when you try to save an industrial dinosaur. Britain was the first country to industrialize and the first to de-industrialize. We should learn from this.

What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention.

When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital.

The purpose of sports - even foreign sports - is not to bore people.

The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats.

There is a fine line in the Third World between half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe and half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe so they can throw you in jail.

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

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American Political Satirist, Journalist, Writer and Author