P. J. O'Rourke

P. J.
O'Rourke
1947

American Political Satirist, Journalist, Writer and Author

Author Quotes

We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter.

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road.

When you're a war correspondent, the reader is for you because the reader is saying, 'Gee, I wouldn't want to be doing that.' They're on your side.

The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point.

The world is going to hell. All we can do is look good on the trip.

There is a simple rule here, a rule of legislation, a rule of business, a rule of life: beyond a certain point, complexity is fraud. You can apply that rule to left-wing social programs, but you can also apply that rule to credit derivatives, hedge funds, all the rest of it.

These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.

Violence is interesting. This is a great obstacle to world peace and also to more thoughtful television programming.

We loved cars until the '70s or so. Then they became appliances. They turned into motorized cup holders. Most of it has to do with urban sprawl. What began as pleasure ends up in necessity, as so many things do.

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.

The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I?ve seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts ? squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.

The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it.

There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money.

They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.'

Voting has proliferated in the United States, and it has reached a point where there is now almost one vote available per citizen over the age of eighteen.

We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.

What's important about morality in politics is us. We own the chicken farm. We must give our bird-brained, feather-headed politicians morals. Politicians love to think of themselves as free-range but they do not have the capacity to hunt or gather morals in the wild. If we fail to supply them with morality, politicians begin to act very scary in the barnyard. These are enormous headless chickens and they have nukes.

Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?

The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.

There are 1.3 billion people in China, and they all want a Buick.

There is no horizon in Toledo. There are too many trees.

They don't like anyone who isn't Korean, and they don't like each other all that much, either. They're hardheaded, hard-drinking, tough little bastards, "the Irish of Asia".

W if for Women. They're awful, mendacious, nasty and selfish, cruel and salacious, as thievish as gypsies, more crazy than Celts be sure that you never fuck anything else.

We print journalists are victims of economic forces beyond our control. We were as surprised as everyone else was by the sudden collapse of the reliable reporting market. We had no idea that real news and clear-eyed analysis were being 'bundled' with subprime celebrity gossip, 'U.S. Weekly' derivatives, and Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie swaps.

Author Picture
First Name
P. J.
Last Name
O'Rourke
Birth Date
1947
Bio

American Political Satirist, Journalist, Writer and Author