Great Throughts Treasury

This site is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Alan William Smolowe who gave birth to the creation of this database.

Paula Hawkins

Rhodesian(now Zimbabwe)-born British Author, best known for her 2015 novel "The Girl on the Train"

"A familiar ache fills my chest. I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don?t forget it."

"A tiding of magpies. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told."

"All I know is that one minute I'm fine and life is sweet and not done anything missing and the next, I spread out , beginning to rave again and again'm dying to get away."

"All those plans I had?photography courses and cookery classes?when it comes down to it, they feel a bit pointless, as if I?m playing at real life instead of actually living it."

"After everything he's been through he deserves to be happy, I will never begrudge him happiness, I only wish it could be with me."

"After all he gave up for me, for the two of us to be together, I let him think that he wasn?t enough."

"And Jess just goes with Jason, and it goes with her. It fits her, pretty and carefree as she is. They?re a match, they?re a set."

"And I?ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don?t, if I keep numbing it, it?ll never really go away."

"And now I find myself behaving exactly like she used to: polishing off the half bottle of red left over from dinner last night and snooping around on his computer. It?s easier to understand her behavior when you feel like I feel right now. There?s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion."

"As for him feeling dead, that's probably just a consequence of him being gone from your life for so long. In some sense he no longer feels real to you."

"And they are a partnership. I can see it, I know how they are. His strength, that protectiveness he radiates, it doesn?t mean she?s weak. She?s strong in other ways; she makes intellectual leaps that leave him openmouthed in admiration. She can cut to the nub of a problem, dissect and analyse it in the time it takes other people to say good morning. At parties, he often holds her hand, even though they?ve been together years. They respect each other, they don?t put each other down."

"At night I can hear it, quiet but unrelenting, undeniable: a whisper in my head, Slip away. When I close my eyes, my head is filled with images of past and future lives, the things I had and threw away. I can't get comfortable, because every way I turn I run into dead ends."

"Beautiful sunshine, cloudless skies, no one to play with, nothing to do. Living like this, the way I'm living at the moment, is harder in the summer when there is so much daylight, so little cover of dark- ness, when everyone is out and about, being flagrantly, aggressively happy. It's exhausting, and it makes you feel bad if you're not joining in."

"At parties, he often holds her hand, even though they?ve been together years. They respect each other, they don?t put each other down."

"Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there?s no point denying it: you?re the one he can?t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That?s just how irresistible you are."

"But after a while I became more miserable and unhappy unhappiness and took frustrating for everyone around him."

"But I did become sadder, and sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them."

"Blood starts to ooze from the wound. The girls on the other side of the carriage are watching me, their faces blank."

"Blackouts happen, and it isn?t just a matter of being a bit hazy about getting home from the club or forgetting what it was that was so funny when you were chatting in the pub. It?s different. Total black; hours lost, never to be retrieved."

"But I feel exhausted; these past few weeks have been so hard on me."

"But I know something happened on Saturday. I knew it when I looked into that dark tunnel under the railway line, my blood turning to ice water in my veins. Blackouts happen, and it isn?t just a matter of being a bit hazy about getting home from the club or forgetting what it was that was so funny when you were chatting in the pub. It?s different. Total black; hours lost, never to be retrieved."

"But I have to do something and at least this feels like action. All those plans I had - photography course and cookery classes - when it comes down to it, they feel a bit pointless, as if I'm playing at real life instead of actually living it."

"But it?s not so bad, I can think of worse traits in a flat-mate. No, it?s not Cathy, it?s not even Ashbury that bothers me most about my new situation (I still think of it as new, although it?s been two years). It?s the loss of control."

"But my better angels lost again, defeated by drink, by the person I am when I drink. Drunk Rachel sees no consequences, she is either excessively expansive and optimistic or wrapped up in hate. She has no past, no future. She exists purely in the moment. Drunk."

"Cathy gets up early to clean the house every Saturday, no matter what. It could be her birthday, it could be the morning of the Rapture?Cathy will get up early on Saturday to clean."

"But I remember the quality of the pain. You don?t forget it."

"But it isn?t a place you want to be, so instead I linger."

"Cathy?s a nice person, in a forceful sort of way. She makes you notice her niceness. Her niceness is writ large, it is her defining quality and she needs it acknowledged, often, daily almost, which can be tiring."

"Doubts so painful, there was another emotion devouring."

"But then I think, this happens sometimes, doesn?t it? People you have a history with, they won?t let you go, and as hard as you might try, you can?t disentangle yourself, can?t set yourself free. Maybe after a while you just stop trying."

"Do you have any idea how boring you became, Rachel? How ugly? Too sad to get out of bed in the morning, too tired to take a shower or wash your fucking hair? Jesus. It?s no wonder I lost patience, is it? It?s no wonder I had to look for ways to amuse myself. You?ve no one to blame but yourself."

"Drunk Rachel sees no consequences, she is either excessively expansive and optimistic or wrapped up in hate. She has no past, no future. She exists purely in the moment."

"Every time I hear footsteps on the steps, my heart rate goes up. Every time I hear the clacking of high heels, I am seized with trepidation."

"Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope."

"Green and cold and waiting for fingers of sunshine to creep up from the tracks and make them all come alive."

"Failure surrounded me like a cloak, overwhelmed and attracted me to the bottom."

"For the first five years I knew him, I was never Rachel, always Rach."

"He lies to himself the way he lies to me. He believes this. He actually believes that he was good to me."

"He closed his eyes so that he didn?t have to watch me choke."

"He follows me and I take off my clothes as I?m going up the stairs, and when we get there, when he pushes me down on the bed, I?m not even thinking about him, but it doesn?t matter because he doesn?t know that. I?m good enough to make him believe that it?s all about him."

"He doesn?t know how determined I can be. Once I?ve made my mind up, I?m a force to be reckoned with."

"He never realized it was possible to miss and mourn what you never had."

"He loves me so much, it makes me ache. I don?t know how he does it. I would drive me mad."

"He says I have to find a way to be happy with myself, I have to stop to seek happiness elsewhere."

"He might be a very good liar, but I know when he?s telling the truth. He doesn't fool me."

"He?ll be so happy. He?ll be mental with joy when I tell him. The thought that she might not be his won?t even cross his mind. Telling him would be cruel, it would break his heart, and I don?t want to hurt him. I?ve never wanted to hurt him. I can?t help the way I am."

"He never understood that it?s possible to miss what you?ve never had, to mourn for it."

"He?s a master at it, making me feel as though everything is my fault, making me feel worthless."

"He wanted me to talk afterwards, about what happened."

"Here will be no closure, no resolution. I lie awake thinking about it and I ache. There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end."