Red Skelton, fully Richard Bernard "Red" Skelton

Red
Skelton, fully Richard Bernard "Red" Skelton
1913
1997

American Comedian, Entertainer, Artist who is best known for his national Radio and Television Shows

Author Quotes

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? The driver said, No, jump in!

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust!

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

One of the standing jokes of Congress is that the new Congressman always spends the first week wondering how he got there and the rest of the time wondering how the other members got there.

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, In the lake.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it

If I may I would like to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and give you a definition for each word. I: me, an individual, a committee of one. Pledge: dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity. Allegiance: my love and my devotion. To the Flag: our standard, Old Glory, a symbol of freedom. Wherever she waves, there is respect because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts freedom is everybody

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

If by chance some day you

I take my wife everywhere - but she keeps finding her way back.

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

Author Picture
First Name
Red
Last Name
Skelton, fully Richard Bernard "Red" Skelton
Birth Date
1913
Death Date
1997
Bio

American Comedian, Entertainer, Artist who is best known for his national Radio and Television Shows