Great Throughts Treasury

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

"A compliment is verbal sunshine."

"A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace."

"A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence."

"Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence."

"As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics."

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in."

"A young person today has a nanosecond attention span, so whatever you do in a humor has to be short. Younger people do not wait for anything that takes time to develop. We're going totally to one-liners. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer."

"Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper, he would have asked for separate checks!"

"Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician."

"Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?"

"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"

"Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published."

"Dick Cheney has to be the kindliest attack dog ever."

"Do your kids a favor - don't have any."

"Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet."

"Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success."

"George Bush has turned into the playboy of the Western world. He shows up at Chinese restaurants, at movies, at the Kennedy Center. He seems to be a totally relaxed, enjoy-the-moment kind of individual. He has shown a sense of playfulness that is very appealing. It shows he isn't overwhelmed by the overwhelming responsibilities he is taking on."

"Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket"

"Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!"

"Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper."

"Humor is a marvelous communications tool, as Reagan has demonstrated so well. He has weathered many a storm that others might not have. With Reagan, people just say, 'There he goes again.' A sense of humor allows a president to back off a little from the tensions of the moment and take a calmer view of things."

"Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.'"

"Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years."

"I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?"

"Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it."

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."

"I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!"

"I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left."

"I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around."

"I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them."

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."

"I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff."

"I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature."

"If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters."

"I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it -- after all, they've already given us tasteless bread."

"If you can laugh together, you can work together."

"If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?'"

"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."

"Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price."

"Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings."

"It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

"It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise."

"It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years."

"It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."