Great Throughts Treasury

This site is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Alan William Smolowe who gave birth to the creation of this database.

Robin Williams, fully Robin McLaurin Williams

American Comedian, Television and Movie Actor

"We have nothing to fear but sanity itself."

"A little sip of Perrier here. I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass. Not a good thing."

"After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you."

"About his body hair: I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?""

"Airport security used to be like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. What's that, oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane. What, are they afraid you're gonna go ALL RIGHT! Hand over the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating! What, are they afraid you're gonna do a little West Side Story? Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!"

"Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time..."

"All this was intended to illustrate the danger of conformism, and the difficulty of preserving your convictions, no matter what others think. [...] We all need to be accepted, but be sure that your beliefs are unique, yours, even if they are found abnormal or unpopular, even though the herd said It's maaaaaaaaal. Robert Frost said: Two roads were open to me, and there I took the one where we went wrong, and I understood all the difference."

"An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!"

"And every year the French go, He is on chemicals. And I'm going, It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers. Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker. Do it. Don't be afraid."

"And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill."

"And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before."

"And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle."

"After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car."

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"All RIGHT... This'll go great with my e-coli Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish."

"And now we find out, that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, that he didn't do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who also did Winnie the Pooh. 'We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land! Eeyore and Tigger!' And, he was fighting against Hitler! A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual, and I always thought *this* was a clue!"

"And people ask Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and Peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number 1: tastes a shit-load better than dirt. Number 2: it is very difficult to make a call to Gihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Secondly, or thirdly, for those of you keeping track; Afghanistan is a Hashish smoking culture. And anyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooklah is going *Pop-Tarts*!"

"And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!"

"And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you."

"And then we drop BOMBS... food... FOOD... bombs... and, here's the fun part: some of the bombs were little yellow bombs... and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you're playing Survivor: The Real Game."

"And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a redneck Christmas."

"And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints, it'll say, Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."

"As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, I knew Gandhi...he was a prick."

"At one end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen, at the other end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are wearing jungle camouflage. For those of you who have never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange. I just feel like going:"

"Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight you can tell what religion they are."

"Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going Heh heh heh heh!!!! And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to Charge!]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, You're out! No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"

"Be very, very quiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. He He He He He He He. [as Elmer Fudd]"

"Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer. Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

"Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio."

"But how fucked up would you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here!' If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, even rats would go, 'Man, that guy's queer!'"

"But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be."

"Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party."

"Carpe per diem - seize the check."

"Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians."

"Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)"

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

"Come on, people, let's go, we're leaving. Don't eat the shellfish! I'll tell you why later. [as Moses]"

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?"

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

"Death is nature's way of saying, Your table's ready."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."

"Does this pistol make my ass look big? *Shhh!*"

"Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I'm going, really? Here's one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids: your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!"

"For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me."

"Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

"Gandhi didn't have his own line of products, he didn't have 'Gandhi Jeans', whether you're not eating or simply telling the English to get the fuck out, 'Gandhi Jeans', come in sizes one and below."

"Gay robbers came in last night and rearranged the living room"

"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."