Russell Baker. fully Russell Wayne Baker

Russell
Baker. fully Russell Wayne Baker
1925

American Journalist, Pulitzer Prize-winning Writer, Author, Humorist and Political Satirist

Author Quotes

An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious — just dead wrong.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately to defeat him, and the three major classifications are based on the method each object uses to achieve its purpose. As a general rule, any object capable of breaking down at the moment when it is most needed will do so.

Scientists have been struck by the fact that things that break down virtually never get lost, while things that get lost hardly ever break down.

When it comes to cars, only two varieties of people are possible - cowards and fools.

Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it.

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

So there he is at last. Man on the moon. The poor magnificent bungler! He can't even get to the office without undergoing the agonies of the damned, but give him a little metal, a few chemicals, some wire, and twenty or thirty billion dollars and, vroom! there he is, up on a rock a quarter of a million miles up in the sky.

When you're the only pea in the pod, your parents are likely to get you confused with the Hope diamond.

As in some primitive ritual, we all agree — candidates and onlookers — to pretend we are involved in a debate, although the real exercise is a test of style and manners. Which of the competitors can better execute the intricate maneuvers prescribed by a largely irrelevant ritual?

It seems to be a law in American life that whatever enriches us anywhere except in the wallet inevitably becomes uneconomic.

The best thing about being President is that it gets you out of American life. I don't know what the theory is behind this, but it is a fact. The first thing we do with a President is shunt him off to a siding where nothing American can ever happen to him.

You can't enjoy light verse with a heavy heart.

By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments.

I've had an unhappy life, thank God.

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.

Caution: These verses may be hazardous to your solemnity.

Life is always walking up to us and saying, 'Come on in, the living's fine,' and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.

The Government cannot afford to have a country made up entirely of rich people, because rich people pay so little tax that the Government would quickly go bankrupt. This is why Government men always tell us that labor is man's noblest calling. Government needs labor to pay its upkeep.

Children rarely want to know who their parents were before they were parents, and when age finally stirs their curiosity, there is no parent left to tell them.

Life seemed to be an educator's practical joke in which you spent the first half learning and the second half learning that everything you learned in the first half was wrong.

The old notion that brevity is the essence of wit has succumbed to the modern idea that tedium is the essence of quality.

Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.

Live by publicity, you'll probably die by publicity.

The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.

Goat cheese ... produced a bizarre eating era when sensible people insisted that this miserable cheese produced by these miserable creatures reared on miserable hardscrabble earth was actually superior to the magnificent creamy cheeses of the noblest dairy animals bred in the richest green valleys of the earth.

Author Picture
First Name
Russell
Last Name
Baker. fully Russell Wayne Baker
Birth Date
1925
Bio

American Journalist, Pulitzer Prize-winning Writer, Author, Humorist and Political Satirist