Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Your simpleminded relatives were technically correct when they told you "Two wrongs don't make a right". What they failed to mention is that two wrongs can sometimes cancel each other out, and although it's not as good as a "right" it's much better than one wrong. If you're clever, you can neutralize any blunder through a series of offsetting destructive acts.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it?s a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

You've got to work 18 hours a day to compete in this industry!" "Let's just say we *work18 hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us." "Would that work?" "It almost worked on us."

Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett are geniuses at appearing to not enjoy all the freedom their wealth could deliver. They know that controlling envy is essential to their survival.

Your Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy his company. What's your offer?" "I'll give you my house for Helga." "You're new at this."

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

What message does a company send when it huddles its managers together for several days to produce a Mission Statement that sounds like this: "We design integrated world-class olutions on a worldwide basis."

Why do beards stop at the neck? I spend a lot of time wondering that.

You do whatever you want. Me ? I'm cashing out." "You plan to retire?" "Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net - why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here."

When did ignorance become a point of view?

Why do the worst ideas always have the noblest sounding reasons?

You don?t have to be a ?person of influence? to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they?ve taught me.

When I first started hearing these stories I was puzzled, but after careful analysis I have developed a sophisticated theory to explain the existence of this bizarre workplace behavior: People are idiots. Including me. Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with the low SAT scores. The only difference is that we're idiots about different things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot. I proudly include myself in the idiot category. Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing 24-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time...

Why is the news the same as the mini-series that was just on? What are the odds of that?

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

When I was a kid, my grandmother convinced me that brown eggs were tastier. Now I just wonder what route they took through the hen.

Withholding Information ? As a weasel boss, you want your employees to believe that you have no useful information whatsoever... Communicating with your employees is like being a frightened chunk of marble in a room full of sculptors. They'll try to chip away at everything you say until by process of elimination they figure out the truth.

You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

When it comes to skills, quantity often beats quality.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

You haven?t achieved equality until you?re a legitimate target for humor.

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women, Men believe that women are defective versions of men. Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal. That viewpoint?that each gender is a defective version of the other?is the root of all misunderstandings.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author