Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Your Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy his company. What's your offer?" "I'll give you my house for Helga." "You're new at this."

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

Your simpleminded relatives were technically correct when they told you "Two wrongs don't make a right". What they failed to mention is that two wrongs can sometimes cancel each other out, and although it's not as good as a "right" it's much better than one wrong. If you're clever, you can neutralize any blunder through a series of offsetting destructive acts.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it?s a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

You've got to work 18 hours a day to compete in this industry!" "Let's just say we *work18 hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us." "Would that work?" "It almost worked on us."

Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett are geniuses at appearing to not enjoy all the freedom their wealth could deliver. They know that controlling envy is essential to their survival.

When it comes to skills, quantity often beats quality.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

You haven?t achieved equality until you?re a legitimate target for humor.

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women, Men believe that women are defective versions of men. Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal. That viewpoint?that each gender is a defective version of the other?is the root of all misunderstandings.

You know the rules: he who complains is assigned to fix it.

When the belief not control your most important decisions is not belief in the underlying reality, but in the utility believes

Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping. Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you. If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you.

You might think the word "homemade"is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

You need more time. But that's only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning." "That's a necessity." "Only in your mind." "You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am?" "No. I mean it's a lost cause."

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Wow. When you do that with your arms, it creates the illusion that you're thinking.

You seem like a bright fellow. Have you considered joining MENSA?" "Is that the group with genius IQs?" "Precisely correct. I'm president of the local chapter. "If we're so smart, why do we work here?" "Intelligence has much less practical application that you'd think."

When you can release on your ego long enough to view your perceptions as incomplete or misleading, it gives you the freedom to imagine new and potentially more useful ways of looking at the world.

Wrong' is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author