Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Your Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy his company. What's your offer?" "I'll give you my house for Helga." "You're new at this."

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

Your simpleminded relatives were technically correct when they told you "Two wrongs don't make a right". What they failed to mention is that two wrongs can sometimes cancel each other out, and although it's not as good as a "right" it's much better than one wrong. If you're clever, you can neutralize any blunder through a series of offsetting destructive acts.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it?s a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

You've got to work 18 hours a day to compete in this industry!" "Let's just say we *work18 hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us." "Would that work?" "It almost worked on us."

Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett are geniuses at appearing to not enjoy all the freedom their wealth could deliver. They know that controlling envy is essential to their survival.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Wow. When you do that with your arms, it creates the illusion that you're thinking.

You seem like a bright fellow. Have you considered joining MENSA?" "Is that the group with genius IQs?" "Precisely correct. I'm president of the local chapter. "If we're so smart, why do we work here?" "Intelligence has much less practical application that you'd think."

When you can release on your ego long enough to view your perceptions as incomplete or misleading, it gives you the freedom to imagine new and potentially more useful ways of looking at the world.

Wrong' is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.

You will not see politics in 'Dilbert,' because it runs in about 57 countries, and I have to tell you that the Lithuanians are not watching the Gore/Bush saga too closely.

When you do good things, good things come back to you.

Years later, when "Dilbert" was in thousands of newspapers, people often asked me if I ever imagined being so lucky. I usually said no, because that's the answer people expected. The truth is that I imagined every bit of good fortune that has come my way. But in my imagination I also invented a belt that would allow me to fly and had special permission from Congress to urinate like a bird wherever I wanted. I wake up every morning disappointed that I have to wear pants and walk. Imagination has a way of breeding disappointment.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

When you have a thought, it is coupled with a physical change in your mind that is specific to that thought, and it has an instant gravitational ripple effect throughout the entire universe.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Your brain can only process a tiny portion of your environment, it risks being overwhelmed by the volume of information that bombards you every waking moment. Your brain compensates by filtering out the 99.9 percent of your environment that doesn?t matter to you.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

You can hose it down and never have to worry about it.

Which is better, Paris or Rome? ...Which is better, Prague or Budapest?" "Why does it matter which is better? What're you doing?" "I have to RSVP to my millennium parties."

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

What does it mean to be yourself? he asked. If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you?re doing that already. If it means to act like you?re exempt from society?s influence, that?s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ?be yourself? is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author