Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Your Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy his company. What's your offer?" "I'll give you my house for Helga." "You're new at this."

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

Your simpleminded relatives were technically correct when they told you "Two wrongs don't make a right". What they failed to mention is that two wrongs can sometimes cancel each other out, and although it's not as good as a "right" it's much better than one wrong. If you're clever, you can neutralize any blunder through a series of offsetting destructive acts.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it?s a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

You've got to work 18 hours a day to compete in this industry!" "Let's just say we *work18 hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us." "Would that work?" "It almost worked on us."

Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett are geniuses at appearing to not enjoy all the freedom their wealth could deliver. They know that controlling envy is essential to their survival.

When you do good things, good things come back to you.

Years later, when "Dilbert" was in thousands of newspapers, people often asked me if I ever imagined being so lucky. I usually said no, because that's the answer people expected. The truth is that I imagined every bit of good fortune that has come my way. But in my imagination I also invented a belt that would allow me to fly and had special permission from Congress to urinate like a bird wherever I wanted. I wake up every morning disappointed that I have to wear pants and walk. Imagination has a way of breeding disappointment.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

When you have a thought, it is coupled with a physical change in your mind that is specific to that thought, and it has an instant gravitational ripple effect throughout the entire universe.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Your brain can only process a tiny portion of your environment, it risks being overwhelmed by the volume of information that bombards you every waking moment. Your brain compensates by filtering out the 99.9 percent of your environment that doesn?t matter to you.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

You can hose it down and never have to worry about it.

Which is better, Paris or Rome? ...Which is better, Prague or Budapest?" "Why does it matter which is better? What're you doing?" "I have to RSVP to my millennium parties."

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

What does it mean to be yourself? he asked. If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you?re doing that already. If it means to act like you?re exempt from society?s influence, that?s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ?be yourself? is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.

Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

You can't accommodate a hundred different opinions, and you can't ignore them. All you can do is provide people with the illusion that they participated in the decision. For some reason, that's enough to make people happy. This is the basis for all democracies.

What does it mean to feel something similar to the way God feels? Is that like saying a pebble is similar to the sun because both are round? he responded. Maybe God designed our brains to feel love the same way he feels it. He could do that if he wanted to.

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far

You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!" "These are not babies. They are toddlers."

What message does a company send when it huddles its managers together for several days to produce a Mission Statement that sounds like this: "We design integrated world-class olutions on a worldwide basis."

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author