Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

When you have a thought, it is coupled with a physical change in your mind that is specific to that thought, and it has an instant gravitational ripple effect throughout the entire universe.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Your brain can only process a tiny portion of your environment, it risks being overwhelmed by the volume of information that bombards you every waking moment. Your brain compensates by filtering out the 99.9 percent of your environment that doesn?t matter to you.

Unwatched Pens ? Legal ownership of your pen ends when you take your eyes off of it. Your co-workers are waiting for any opportunity to make it their own.

We use only the finest days of the week in this dish.

We're just looking at commercial and industrial land in transitional areas.

Use Sarcasm To Get Your Way ? By definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic. If they were logical, they wouldn't have bad ideas in the first place ? unless the ideas were based on bad data. That leaves you with two possible strategies for thwarting an illogical and getting your way: (1) Argue with data. Do exhaustive research to demonstrate the flaws in the person's assumptions. (2) Use sarcasm to mock the idea and make the person look like a dolt. If the 'exhaustive research' option looks good to you, you have way too much time on your hands. Plus, it can only work if you're dealing with a coworker who is logical and willing to admit error. And while you're at it, why not find a coworker who is an omnipotent supermodel ? note the use of sarcasm to show the folly of this approach. Option two, sarcasm, is more flexible. It works whether the person you wish to manipulate had bad data ot a bad brain. Appeal to the person's sense of fear and insecurity. Use sarcasm to point out the potential for future ridicule.

We will produce the highest quality products, using empowered team dynamics in a new Total Quality paradigm until we become the industry leader."

We're waiting for Ted, then we can head to the restaurant." "While we're waiting, I'll return a few calls." "Let's go! Hey, where's Wally? "I'll be in the ladies room." "Where's Alice?" "...The chain reaction has begun. Why can't we do this simple thing?"

Use Weaseleze ? Weaseleze is the official tongue of weasels. It's composed of words that make perfect sense individually, but when artfully arranged, they become misleading or impenetrable. Weaseleze is used often in advertising, legal work, employee performance reviews, and dating.

We worry about the impact.

Using Meetings to Avoid Work ? Attending meetins is considered 'working', even if you don't do anything but sit there. Try to attend as many meetings as possible.

Weasel Approvals ? If you work in a large company, try to charge all of your expenses to someone else's project. Usually the accounting control systems are so poor that no will notice. If you get caught,, say "Oops", and then start charging your time to someone else's project. This is not yet recognized as a crime. It falls squarely into the weasel zone, and you should exploit it as long as the law allows... Some people have the motto: "It's better to ask forgiveness than to seek approval". Unfortunately, some bosses have the motto: "It's better to fire assholes than to do with them". Make sure your boss doesn't have that motto. The weasel method of asking for forgiveness doesn't work if you do something without permission and that something turns out to be a colossal mistake.

Virtual Hourly Compensation ? You're working more hours than ever. And if you're one of the so-called exempt employees you aren't getting paid for overtime. If might seem that your average hourly pay is shrinking like a cheap cotton shirt. Not true! Nature had a way of balancing these things out. You have to consider the total compensation picture, which I call 'Virtual Hourly Compensation' ? the total amount of compensation you receive per hour, including: Salary; Bonuses; Health Plan; Inflated Travel Reimbursement Claims; Stolen Office Supplies; Coffee; Donuts; Newspapers and Magazines; Personal Phone Calls; Office Sex; Illegitimate Sick Days; Internet Surfing; Personal Email; Free Photocopies; Resume Laser Printing; Training For Your Next Job; Cubicle Used as Retail Outlet; Telecommuting.

Weasel Caring ? A close relative of weasel-caring is weasel-listening. The point of weasel-listening is to act as if you value the input of other people.

Voicemail ? Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you because they want to give you something for nothing. They call you because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to lie. Screen all your calls through voicemail. If somebody leaves a voicemail for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during your lunch hour when you know the caller won't be there. That sends a signal that you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

Weasel Debating Tactics ? Accuse your opponent of being insensitive. This method works because it's always true. I'm willing to bet that even conjoined twins complain that the other is insensitive... For every respectable human quality there is an insulting word that means the same thing. For example, accuse open-minded people of being flakes. Accuse cautious people of being afraid of change.

Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives. But by pure chance, you achieved all of my hidden objectives. Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness." "I'm all over it."

Weasel Geniuses ? I'm an expert at appearing smarter than I am. I have a natural advantage because I'm nearsighted. Glasses add 10 points to your perceived IQ. I'm also unattractive and have a boring personality, so people figure I must be good at math.

Watch me not care.

Weasel Trap ? Any positive trait can be weasel-worded to sound like a flaw. For example, if you are 'accurate', then you are too much of a 'perfectionist'. If you are the sort of person who always "sees the big picture", then you don't have good "attention to details". If you "don't ask inane question" during meetings, you're "not participating". If you "do your important work" instead of being diverted down rabbit trails by disorganized coworkers, then you're "not a team player".

We are not thinking about two games right now. We are focusing on Cordova this week. We have to go there and that is a tough place to go. They are a vastly improved team from last season. But we won't back down from the challenge.

Weasel Words ? Weasel words are words that are true without being informative. They are useful in situations where a clear explanation would be embarrassing.

We don't play around with them here in Oklahoma. The chances of a violent sex offender ever getting out is slim. And, if they re-offend they will never hit the streets again.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author