American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams
American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
You seem like a bright fellow. Have you considered joining MENSA?" "Is that the group with genius IQs?" "Precisely correct. I'm president of the local chapter. "If we're so smart, why do we work here?" "Intelligence has much less practical application that you'd think."
When you can release on your ego long enough to view your perceptions as incomplete or misleading, it gives you the freedom to imagine new and potentially more useful ways of looking at the world.
Wrong' is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.
You will not see politics in 'Dilbert,' because it runs in about 57 countries, and I have to tell you that the Lithuanians are not watching the Gore/Bush saga too closely.
Unmarried men commit 90% of all violent acts. They should all be jailed in advance to prevent further atrocities. And I should become a media sensation for suggesting such a provocative thing. The End. ...It's hard to write a whole book when you're as gifted as I am at getting to the point.
We smoke the bacon so you don?t have to.
Well, it wouldn't be Friday if I didn't see Alice wearing her one pair of tan pants... I love the 'Business Casual' look for the way it combines unattractive with unprofessional while diminishing neither.
Unwatched Pens ? Legal ownership of your pen ends when you take your eyes off of it. Your co-workers are waiting for any opportunity to make it their own.
We use only the finest days of the week in this dish.
We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
Use Sarcasm To Get Your Way ? By definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic. If they were logical, they wouldn't have bad ideas in the first place ? unless the ideas were based on bad data. That leaves you with two possible strategies for thwarting an illogical and getting your way: (1) Argue with data. Do exhaustive research to demonstrate the flaws in the person's assumptions. (2) Use sarcasm to mock the idea and make the person look like a dolt. If the 'exhaustive research' option looks good to you, you have way too much time on your hands. Plus, it can only work if you're dealing with a coworker who is logical and willing to admit error. And while you're at it, why not find a coworker who is an omnipotent supermodel ? note the use of sarcasm to show the folly of this approach. Option two, sarcasm, is more flexible. It works whether the person you wish to manipulate had bad data ot a bad brain. Appeal to the person's sense of fear and insecurity. Use sarcasm to point out the potential for future ridicule.
We will produce the highest quality products, using empowered team dynamics in a new Total Quality paradigm until we become the industry leader."
We're just looking at commercial and industrial land in transitional areas.
Use Weaseleze ? Weaseleze is the official tongue of weasels. It's composed of words that make perfect sense individually, but when artfully arranged, they become misleading or impenetrable. Weaseleze is used often in advertising, legal work, employee performance reviews, and dating.
We worry about the impact.
We're waiting for Ted, then we can head to the restaurant." "While we're waiting, I'll return a few calls." "Let's go! Hey, where's Wally? "I'll be in the ladies room." "Where's Alice?" "...The chain reaction has begun. Why can't we do this simple thing?"
Using Meetings to Avoid Work ? Attending meetins is considered 'working', even if you don't do anything but sit there. Try to attend as many meetings as possible.
Weasel Approvals ? If you work in a large company, try to charge all of your expenses to someone else's project. Usually the accounting control systems are so poor that no will notice. If you get caught,, say "Oops", and then start charging your time to someone else's project. This is not yet recognized as a crime. It falls squarely into the weasel zone, and you should exploit it as long as the law allows... Some people have the motto: "It's better to ask forgiveness than to seek approval". Unfortunately, some bosses have the motto: "It's better to fire assholes than to do with them". Make sure your boss doesn't have that motto. The weasel method of asking for forgiveness doesn't work if you do something without permission and that something turns out to be a colossal mistake.
Virtual Hourly Compensation ? You're working more hours than ever. And if you're one of the so-called exempt employees you aren't getting paid for overtime. If might seem that your average hourly pay is shrinking like a cheap cotton shirt. Not true! Nature had a way of balancing these things out. You have to consider the total compensation picture, which I call 'Virtual Hourly Compensation' ? the total amount of compensation you receive per hour, including: Salary; Bonuses; Health Plan; Inflated Travel Reimbursement Claims; Stolen Office Supplies; Coffee; Donuts; Newspapers and Magazines; Personal Phone Calls; Office Sex; Illegitimate Sick Days; Internet Surfing; Personal Email; Free Photocopies; Resume Laser Printing; Training For Your Next Job; Cubicle Used as Retail Outlet; Telecommuting.
Weasel Caring ? A close relative of weasel-caring is weasel-listening. The point of weasel-listening is to act as if you value the input of other people.
Voicemail ? Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you because they want to give you something for nothing. They call you because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to lie. Screen all your calls through voicemail. If somebody leaves a voicemail for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during your lunch hour when you know the caller won't be there. That sends a signal that you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
Weasel Debating Tactics ? Accuse your opponent of being insensitive. This method works because it's always true. I'm willing to bet that even conjoined twins complain that the other is insensitive... For every respectable human quality there is an insulting word that means the same thing. For example, accuse open-minded people of being flakes. Accuse cautious people of being afraid of change.
Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives. But by pure chance, you achieved all of my hidden objectives. Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness." "I'm all over it."
Weasel Geniuses ? I'm an expert at appearing smarter than I am. I have a natural advantage because I'm nearsighted. Glasses add 10 points to your perceived IQ. I'm also unattractive and have a boring personality, so people figure I must be good at math.
Watch me not care.