American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams
American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
Today when I see a stage and a thousand people waiting to hear me speak, a little recording goes off in my head that says today is a good day. I?m the happiest person in the room. The audience only gets to listen, but I get to speak, to feel, to be fully alive. I will absorb their energy and turn it into something good. And when I?m done, there?s a 100 percent chance that people will say good things about me.
There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
Two people have different information, but they think the root of their disagreement is that the other person has bad judgment or bad manners or bad values. In fact, most people would share your opinions if they had the same information. If you spend your time arguing about the faultiness of other people`s opinions, you waste your time and theirs. The only thing than can be useful is examining the differences in your assumptions and adding to each other`s information.
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.
Umfriend ? A sexual relation of dubious standing, or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it's at least partially because they don't have the Internet.
Understanding Accounting People ? People who work in accounting departments often work 12 hour days creating reports that nobody cares about. This gives them a very bad attitude. Do not attempt humor around them.
They say that God is watching everyone all the time, so he'd always get to see his jokes play out. If so, he's laughing his butt off, assuming God has a butt, which is unlikely, since butts are also an obvious practical joke.
Understanding Marketing People ? People enter the marketing profession after they realize that they have grown up without any particular skills.
Thickheadedness ? Thickheadedness, either real or faked, can be a powerful management tool. If people think they can change your mind by making good arguments, they might try. You don't have time for that. It's much better to convince your employees that your brain is just barely able to keep your internal organs working. That's the optimal weasel zone.
Understanding Technical People ? Technical people respond to questions in three ways : It is technically impossible (meaning: I don't feel like doing it); It depends (meaning: abandon all hope of a useful answer); The data bits are flexed through a collectimizer which strips the flow-gate arrays into virtual message elements (meaning: I don't know).
This dish might not turn you into a syndicated cartoonist, but whatever you're doing now probably isn't working either.
Unhappiness that is caused by too much success is a high-class problem. That?s the sort of unhappiness people work all of their lives to get. If you find yourself there, and I hope you do, you?ll find your attention naturally turning outward. You?ll seek happiness through service to others. I promise it will feel wonderful.
The simplest explanation usually sounds right and is far more convincing than any complicated explanation could hope to be.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.
The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that maximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.
There is no idea so good it can't be ruined by a few well-placed idiots.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
The spokespeople for tobacco companies always look half dead. The Surgeon General should make them put their pictures on every pack.
There is no in between; your life is either random or predetermined.
The most important form of selfishness involves spending time on your fitness, eating right, pursuing your career, and still spending quality time with your family and friends.
The surest way to identify those who won?t succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like My goal is to lose ten pounds. Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you?re doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower.
There?s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.