American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams
American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
The systems-driven people have found a way to look at the familiar in new and more useful ways. ... To put it bluntly, goals are for losers.
There's a fine line between participation and mockery.
The new security surveillance system is cutting into the profits of my stationary supply business.
The Viking System ? Weasels can only thrive in civilized societies where there are laws against slaying people because you think they deserve it. That's why, for example, you never hear stories involving elderly Viking weasels. Weasels don't last that long under the Viking system.
There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens. In the Weasel Zone everything is misleading, but not exactly a lie. There's a subtle difference. When you lie, you hope to fool someone. But when you're being a weasel, everyone is aware that you're a manipulative, scheming, misleading sociopath. For example, no one believes a salesperson who says there are no hidden costs. And no one believes a lawyer who says, "Have a nice day." You know that none of that is sincere. And they know that you know, so in a way, it's a form of honesty ? a weasel form.
The Nigerian Email Scam ? As you probably learned in high school, the entire GNP of Nigeria is based on revenue generated from email scams.
The Weasel's Motto: "To err is human. To cover it up is weasel."
There's a reason that executives lie. The alternative is worse !
The only risk of failure is promotion.
The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.
There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.
The part that interests me is that society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable. In other words, men are born as round pegs in a society full of square holes. Whose fault is that? Do you blame the baby who didn't ask to be born male? Or do you blame the society that brought him into the world, all round-pegged and turgid, and said, "Here's your square hole"? The way society is organized at the moment, we have no choice but to blame men for bad behavior. If we allowed men to act like unrestrained horny animals, all hell would break loose. All I'm saying is that society has evolved to keep males in a state of continuous unfulfilled urges, more commonly known as unhappiness.
Theory of Evolution (Summary): First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.
There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.
The past exists only in your mind, he said. Likewise, the future exists only in your mind because it has not happened.
There are 6 billion people on Earth. I like to think they all like my cartoons. If anyone has names of people who don't, please send them to me, and I will have my goons visit them immediately.
The Peter Principle ? In the annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees, the number-one vote-getter in this highly unscientific survey was "Idiots Promoted to Management." This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept by which capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence ? best described as the "Peter Principle". Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage. When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we'd all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something... Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence... We didn't understand it then, but the much underrated Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions ? after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches... Lately, however, the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to places where they can do the least damage: management. This has not proved the winning strategy that you might think.
There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.
The primary purpose of schools is to prepare kids for success in adulthood. That?s why it seems odd to me that schools don?t have required courses on the systems and practices of successful people.
There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as nutty methods. Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as a complete waste of time.
The process of concentrating on the goal every day greatly increases the likelihood of noticing an opportunity in the environment. The coincidence will create the illusion that writing down the goal causes the environment to produce opportunities. But in reality the only thing that changes is the person?s ability to notice the opportunities.
There are no attractive women in engineering." "What are you talking about? Look at me!" "I can no longer see your physical beauty Alice. It's...ah... overwhelmed by your professional competence."
The project requirements are forming in my mind... Now they're changing... changing... changing... changing... okay. No, wait... changing... changing... done. Naturally, I won't be sharing any of these thoughts with Engineering." "I budgeted for some goons to beat it out of you."
There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
The reality is that everyone is a basket case on the inside. Some people just hide it better.