American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams
American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author
The elderly are spooky when they degenerate into reflections of their younger selves. They say things that make sense on some grammatical level, but it?s not always connected to reality.
Surround Yourself With Losers ? Make sure you work in a group of losers. Losers are the ones who will get low raises, thus leaving ample budget funds for you... Losers are your friends (figuratively speaking). If you don't have any losers in your group, help your boss recruit some, preferably in areas that don't affect your life. You want losers to be within the same general budget area, but not close enough to annoy you on a daily basis.
The Benefits of Title Inflation ? Inflated job titles in middle management allow those at the bottom of the company hierarchy to avoid truly demeaning titles. Corollary: What you do is not nearly as impressive as what your job titles implies you do.
Swearing ? For men, swearing can help them bond with other men. But this contributes in only a tiny way to business success. Men are expected to swear, so it means little when they do. It had no shock value. For example, if a man comes to the office of another man and offers to show him a report, a typical response might be 'Ah, shove it up your ass and die'. Then both men laugh and spit and make passing references to 'hooters' thus creating a lifelong bond that cannot be broken (unless hooters are involved). It's not pretty, but swearing has its place among men. For women it's very different. Swearing can be shocking and attention-grabbing. It's a sign of female power and disregard for boundaries... Fortunately for women, all men are trained at birth to accept verbal abuse from women and get over it rather quickly.
The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day.
Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands ... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know ... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ... uh ... dosey-do.
The Best Jobs ? The best jobs are those that have results that cannot be measured. Stay away from jobs in which your value can be measured in quantity and timelines. You can exaggerate your impact on quality much more easily than you can exaggerate your impact on quantity. Bad Jobs ? Sales; Programming; Operations; Customer Service; Shipping. Good Jobs ? Strategy; Anyting with 'Media' in the name; Marketing (for mature products); Long-term reengineering projects; Advertising; Procurement.
Taking Training ? If you get a kick out of making your boss nervous, take training classes. Bosses know that when you display an appetite for learning, it means one thing: you're planning to leave for a better job. Your pointy-haired boss would prefer that you remain slightly incompetent because incompetence is less expensive than training, and incompetent employees can't leave for better jobs.
The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be 'that stabbin' Dilbert guy.
Team Leader ? The job of Team Leader is often viewed as a stepping stone to a management position. That's because anyone who is gullible enough to take on extra work without extra pay is assumed to have the 'right stuff' for management... The Team Leader is typically a person who has no special talent ? must know how to make viewgraphs and must be a carbon-based lifeform. This characteristic serves the Team Leader well during long meetings. While all the skilled people are squirming around wishing they were out applying their skills, the Team Leader can sit serenely content in the knowledge that no personal talent is going to waste. The word 'leader' might be debatable in this context, since the job of a Team Leader involves asking people what they should be doing, then asking them how they're doing, then blaming them for not doing it.
The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a company and you have one boss and that boss doesn?t like you or wants to get rid of you, you?re in trouble. But if you work for yourself, you have lots of bosses, who are your customers, and if a few of them decide they don?t like you, that?s okay.
Teamwork ? If you hear a lot of talk about teamwork at your company, you're doomed. The whole concept of 'teamwork' changed when it migrated from the world of sports to the world of business. In basketball, a good team player is somebody who passes the ball. If you put a businessperson on a basketball team he'd follow the player with the ball, saying things like "What do you plan to do with that? Can we talk about it first?" Teamwork is the opposite of good time management. You can't do a good job managed your time unless you can blow off your co-workers... An easy way to determine if you have enough teamwork to be doomed is simply to measure how long it takes from the time you decide to go to lunch together until you actually eat: Five Minutes:- Teamwork is annoying but not yet dangerous. Fifteen Minutes:- Danger, Red Alert. Sixty Minutes:- Teamwork has reached critical pass; company doomed.
The best things in life are silly.
Technology Demo ? Keep your product away from the filthy and unpredictable fingers of anyone who is not thoroughly trained in what to avoid touching. One tap of a wrong button could create a cascade of electrical problems that will erase hard disks, set off fire alarms, and summon the undead. And, most importantly, try to smile and have fun. Ignore the fact that any number of disasters with the demo could ruin your company, your career, and your last hope for propagating your genes.
The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.
Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that?s okay because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.
The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don't mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.
Technology: No Place for Wimps!
The biggest issue in this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.
Techno-Weasel ? A weasel who knows a lot about technology. A techno-weasel's happiness is directly related to the gap between his knowledge and his boss's knowledge. The bigger the gap, the more corrupt (i.e. happy) the techno-weasel is.
The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.
That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.
The concept of `importance` is a human one born out of our need to make choices for survival. An omnipotent being has no need to rank things. To God, nothing in the universe would be more interesting, more worthy, more useful, more threatening, or more important than anything else.