Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

Retail Sales Weasels ? There are two types of retail weasels: Unscrupulous (paid on commission); Lazy (paid by the hour). Unscrupulous employees, who are paid on commission, have to screw their customers and coworkers to make money. The lazy ones only screw their employer. If you have a choice, try to get a job as a lazy employees because, as the name implies, it's easier.

Skeptics, he said, suffer from the skeptics? disease?the problem of being right too often.

Risk ? Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples of Bad Press for Engineers: Hindenburg; Space Shuttle Challenger; Hubble space telescope; Apoll 13; Titanic; Corvair. The risk\reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: Risk:- Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. Reward:- A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back on a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." The quickest way to make a project uneconomical is by doubling the resources needed and using a cover story that you need to prevent failures.

So casual clothes don't lower our stock value. But only if worn on Fridays. Unless somebody else sees us... got it?" "I think I'm insane."

Ruling the Dilbert ... You can't take a vacation. For 11 years, I've done nothing more than go to a wedding for a day, or something like that.

So our futures depend on Wally?" "That's it, we're all farmers."

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the same as before.

Scientists often invent words to fill the holes in their understanding. These words are meant as conveniences until real understanding can be found. ... Words such as dimension and field and infinity ... are not descriptions of reality, yet we accept them as such because everyone is sure someone else knows what the words mean.

So, isn?t it arrogant to think that the love generated by our little brains is the same thing that an omnipotent being experiences? If you were omnipotent, why would you limit yourself to something that could be reproduced by a little clump of neurons?

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that energy companies will place huge hamster wheels outside of convenience stores and offer free lottery tickets to people who spend five minutes running in them. The hamster wheels will be connected to power generators.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.

Seagull Manager ? A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Some physicists describe gravity in terms of ten dimensions all curled up. But those aren't real words?just placeholders, used to refer to parts of abstract equations.

Prairie Dogging ? When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people?s heads pop up over the walls to see what?s going on.

Selective Truth ? The best way to mislead people without lying is to avoid volunteering unpleasant truths. Technically, that's not lying. Don't feel bad about 'non-full disclosure'. It's a public service. If people knew what they were buying or eating or whom they were hiring, then no one would do anything, the economy would disintegrate, and we'd all starve to death.

Sometimes idiots can accomplish wonderful things.

Presentations To Management ? Your company is doomed if your primary product is overhead transparencies. A typical company has just enough resources to do one of the following: (1) Accomplish something; (2) Prepare elaborate presentations that lie about how much is being accomplished. The rational employee will divert all available resources away from accomplishing things and toward the more highly compensated process of lying about accomplishments. It's the same amount of work, but only one has a payoff.

Self-weaseling ? We self-weasel, i.e. delude ourselves into thinking whatever we're doing is okay... Commuters are a group that do a heroic job of self-weaseling... Commuting is the ultimate revenge of the inner-city folks. They're saying, in their own inimitable way, "You can have a great job and a great house, but if you put them near each other, we'll kill you." As a general rule, most criminals are located between your workplace and your house. That's why you need to transport yourself inside a metal container of some sort, i.e. a car, SUV, train, subway or armored bodysuit.

Sometimes the only real difference between crazy people and artists is that artists write down what they imagine seeing.

Priorities are the things you need to get right so the things you love can thrive.

Sick Days ? Vacation days for weasels. Weasels have an uncanny ability to get sick for exactly the number of days their companies allow as sick days per year. "Sick" is a highly subjective concept. If you're like a normal human, there's almost always something wrong with you... The trick to sounding sick on the phone is to leave a voice mail for your boss within 30 seconds of waking up. If you're like me, you routinely have the following symptoms each and every time you wake up in the morning: Aching muscles, pounding headache, no energy, funky voice and depression. After two sips of coffee I'd feeling fine. But that first 30 seconds is indistinguishable from the last moment before dying of black plague. If you make the call during that period, your boss will actually thank you for staying home. The main risk in taking sick days is that whatever weasel schemes you have cooking at work might require your presence to keep them bubbling along.

Sometimes what seems to be a difference in opinions is in fact just a difference in definitions.

Random Acts of Management.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author