W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

All my available funds are completely tied up in ready cash.

Customer: What have you in the way of steaks? WC: (I have) nothing in the way of steaks. I can get right to them.

Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible . . . for loopholes.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

Man: Do you know anything about electricity? WC: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at state prison.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails. [Response when asked if he believed in clubs for women]

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer