W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I’ll be down in the front row with a basket of last month’s eggs.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

By god, I was born lonely!

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer