W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own. [Response when invited to play golf by someone he didn't like]

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

Prayers never bring anything . . . They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.

When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours.

A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra. [Mae West]

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer