W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.

Improve memory with scientifically designed brain exercises.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own. [Response when invited to play golf by someone he didn't like]

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

Prayers never bring anything . . . They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer