W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours.

A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra. [Mae West]

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

In reply to an accusation of drunkenness

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I’ll be down in the front row with a basket of last month’s eggs.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer