You can't be a rascal for 40 years and then cop a plea the last minute. God keeps better books than that. [On his deathbed]
You sparkle with larceny.
God help those who do not help themselves.
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
Harry Thaw shot the wrong architect.
Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.
Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
Stop dying. Am trying to write a comedy. ]Telegram to his brother, upon the news that Addison was fatally ill]
I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.
Tell 'em to count to ten over him and he'll get up.
A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.
I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'
The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets. [On his deathbed]
The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.
I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.
The first hundred years are the hardest.
A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat. [On Hollywood]
If you copy from one author, it's plagiarism. If you copy from two, it's research.
The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.
All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.