American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize
Dave Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry
American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize
When the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.
So, she said, and I could tell by the way she spoke the word that it had quotation marks around it. "You're a young Southern lawyer resembling a John Grisham protagonist as much as possible without violating the copyright laws." "That's right," I replied. "Perhaps we can have sex."
Ten seconds went by, then twenty, as Alf looked at the older savage, and the older savage looked at Alf. Finally, out of sheer nervousness, and unable to think of what else to do, Alf raised his right hand again. But this time, just as Alf began to speak, the savage rotated his spear from the vertical to the horizontal, pointing it toward Alf?s chest. Alf stopped in mid How, staring at the sharp pink spear tip, inches from his heart.
The crowd around me was mostly guys in their forties and older ? husbands and fathers with responsible, demanding South Florida jobs such as stockbroker, doctor, narcotics kingperson, etc.
The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
The problem with human bodies is that they believe that any day now, we'll have another Ice Age, and there won't be any more food, so they need to store up lots of fat. So while our brains are in the 21st century, forcing us to eat salads, our bodies are back in prehistoric times., thinking: "I made 6 ounces of fat today! Bring on the glaciers!" It would be great if we could explain to our bodies that times have changed, and they no longer need to make so much fat.
The toys marketed for boys, like the TV shows, tend to encourage the boys? already aggressive nature, which could be why boys spend so much time acting like what trained professional psychologists call ?jerks.?
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
They looked plainly scared, except for one, a wiry boy with bright orange hair?not the largest of the lot, but the one who seemed to be in charge. He had an air about him, Alf thought, the look of a boy who doesn?t miss much.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the windshield.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to begin with.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
When the cow jerks away, it?ll yank the door open. But what?s going to make the cow jerk away? asked Little Richard. You?re going to milk it, said Slank. But I don?t know how to milk a cow! said Little Richard. Exactly.
You and Teacher, said Molly. Yes, said Peter. She?s very clever. You?ll like her. I?m sure, said Molly.
Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say, "EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT" instead of "RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES."
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other...
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.