Dave Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize

Author Quotes

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text: "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.

The best time to go (to Disney World), if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

The guys on TV are usually playing Texas Hold ?Em, which is the hottest poker game at the moment, although there are many other popular variations of poker, including Seven-Card Stud, Five-Card Draw, Alabama Grope ?Em, Omaha High Low, Iowa Bore ?Em, Six-Card High Low Medium Jacks Wild Stud Draw Go Fish, Cincinnati Lawn Flamingo, Florida Recount ?Em, Kansas City Clam Enhancer, Arkansas Geld ?Em, New Jersey Whack ?Em, New York Kvetch ?Em, Red Rover and Whist.

The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration, with one prankster even going so far as to actually write John Hancock.

The presidential race heats up as George W. Bush proposes an idea that he came up with recently while reading an index card, which is to allow younger workers to take some of their Social Security money and, as the governor puts it, "investisize in the stocks market or professional baseball teams or whatever and thusly enjoy the labors of their fruits." Vice President Al Gore immediately criticizes this plan as a "risky scheme" that could result in "millions of dead senior citizens," which in turn "could impact global warming." Polls show that this is a hot-button issue with the public, with 50 percent of likely voters wishing they had two other candidates to choose from, and the other 50 percent agreeing.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

There are no laws at all in Nevada. Even murder is legal, but it rarely happens, because people get distracted. A guy will be on his way to kill somebody, and he?ll pass a slot machine, and he?ll figure, what the heck, so he?ll put in a quarter, and pretty soon he?s broke and has to pawn his gun to get more quarters.

These towns are connected by a modern, state-of-the-art system of medieval roads about the width of a standard bar of hotel soap; the result is that motorists drive as fast as possible in hopes of getting to their destinations before they meet anybody coming the other way. The only thing that prevents everybody from going 120 mph is the nationwide system ? probably operated by the Ministry of Traffic Safety ? of tractors being driven very slowly by old men wearing caps; you encounter these roughly every two miles, rain or shine, day or night. As an additional safety measure, the roads are also frequented by herds of cows, strolling along and mooing appreciatively at the countryside, reminding you very much of tour groups.

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.

Today's man knows that he's supposed to be a sensitive and caring relationship partner, and he's making radical life-style changes such as sometimes remembering to remove the used tissue wads from his pockets before depositing his pants on the floor to be picked up by the Laundry Fairy.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

We know from reading medical journals that a person under the influence of powerful marijuana is comparable ? in terms of alertness, reaction time, problem-solving skills, and overall central-nervous-system functionality ? to linoleum.

We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will never be good.

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

WILLIAMS: The phrase, of course, is a variation of a line from the song MacArthur Park. Any idea why the terrorists picked that particular song, Elizabeth? BURGER: Brian, one theory is that it was chosen specifically to demoralize the United States, because it gets stuck in your head and everybody hates it.

You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.

So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and urchase a vast array of 8-millimeter video equipment... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so ?order yours now?.

Stache?s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics?and a big piece if luck.

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.

The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

The state capital is Epcot Center. The largest city is Miami (official tourism slogan: ?Maybe You Won't Get Shot?), a richly diverse cosmopolitan metropolis where people from many different cultures live and work together while continuing to observe the traffic laws of their individual countries of origin.

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Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry
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American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize