Dave Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize

Author Quotes

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.

That got her up on stage pretty quick, and she sang a song, which was in Spanish, so I don?t know what it was about, except she seemed to be singing it mainly to Sharisse and it had a word that sounded like poota in it a lot.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The type of luggage you carry says a lot about you. For example, if you're carrying somebody else?s luggage, it says you're a thief.

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.

Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.

UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic, . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.

When you called for your installation appointment, the Telephone Company would say: We will have an installer in your area between the hours of 9 A.M. October 3 and the following spring. Will someone be at home? And you would say yes, if you wanted a phone.

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou

That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he?s coming for this ship now. And how do you know that? asked Slank. Did a seagull tell you? This brought chuckles from the crew. Something like that, thought Peter.

The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that: Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere. But we are. Ha-ha-ha.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

There is only one problem: the aliens have terrible taste. They love game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell, and "Dallas". Whenever a network tries to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the planet. You know the Wisk commercial, the one with the ring around the collar, the one that is so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would dream of buying the product? Well, the aliens love that commercial. We all owe a debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk. They have not sold a single bottle of Wisk in fourteen years, but they have saved the Earth.

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

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American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize