Dave Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry

American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize

Author Quotes

The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in calories, which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none.

The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.

There was finally a revolution, and today Mexico is a modern happy nation of 90 million people, 87 million of whom currently reside in Los Angeles.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.

We had three pairs of women's underwear on stage after our show in Seattle. Of course they were on the large side ...

WEEK 5: The fetus is only 6.7 liters in circumference yet has already developed the ability to shriek in airplanes.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.

Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won?t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It?s printed right here in a published book!

Some of you may be unhappy with this dereligionizing of the Holiday Season, and you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on The Waltons. Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: It would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

The reason it's called Grape Nuts is that it contains dextrose, which is also sometimes called grape sugar, and also because Grape Nuts is catchier, in terms of marketing, than A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel, which is what it tastes like.

The Watergate Scandal, which gets its name from the fact that it was a scandal, began with a breakin of the Democratic National Committee headquarters by a group of burglars so ludicrously incompetent that they obviously had to have some connection with the federal government.

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump?an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

This in turn led to the development of the expense report, which was the forerunner to modern literary fiction.

To show you how weird he is, I went to his house in Hailey and found notes all around. Notes on how to kill people.

''Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.

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Barry, fully David McAlister "Dave" Barry
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American Humorous Author and Columnist, Awarded Pulitzer Prize