George Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums

Author Quotes

What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why don't network TV shows have a warning that says, "Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of shit." Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Would somebody just put a dick in that guy's mouth, please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, do you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way, or are you just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting? 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you on the fucking street, where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person. [response to heckler in audience]

You know what kind of guy you never see anymore? A fop.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When the supermarket checkout person asks, "Paper or Plastic?" I often say, "Woven silk," just to keep him on his toes. "Rolled steel" is not a bad answer either.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Why don't they have dessert at breakfast?

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

You know what these God Bless America people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about What would Jesus do? They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been?

When they say 'old-fashioned,' they want us to think about the old days, don't they? The old days. You know, before we had sanitation laws; before hygiene became popular; back when E. Coli was considered a condiment.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

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Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin
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American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums