Mark Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Mark
Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens
1835
1910

American Writer, Humorist

Author Quotes

I asked tom if countries always apologize when they had done wrong, and he says, 'Yes, the little one does.'

I couldn't bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else.

I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices.

I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That?s bad enough for me.

I deal with temptation by yielding to it.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

I have replaced his tin life with a silver-gilt fiction.

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

I deserve it all. Let the cold world do its worst; one thing I know--there's a grave somewhere for me. The world may go on just as its always done, and take everything from me--loved ones, property, everything--but it can't take that. Someday I'll lie down in it and forget it all, and my poor broken heart will be at rest.

I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

I have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came along.

I beseech your good lordship that order be taken to change this law?oh, let no more poor creatures be visited with its tortures.

I desire to tamper with the jury law. I wish to alter it as to put a premium on intelligence and character, and close the jury box against idiots, blacklegs, and people who do not read newspapers.

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing.

I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.

I did not steal your paltry goods!

I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog.

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the lower animals (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me.

I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that, my art is not above the ordinary.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Author Picture
First Name
Mark
Last Name
Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Birth Date
1835
Death Date
1910
Bio

American Writer, Humorist