American Writer, Humorist
Mark Twain, pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens
American Writer, Humorist
I have replaced his tin life with a silver-gilt fiction.
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
I deserve it all. Let the cold world do its worst; one thing I know--there's a grave somewhere for me. The world may go on just as its always done, and take everything from me--loved ones, property, everything--but it can't take that. Someday I'll lie down in it and forget it all, and my poor broken heart will be at rest.
I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
I have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came along.
He said that man?s heart was the only bad heart in the animal kingdom; that man was the only animal capable of feeling malice, envy, vindictiveness, revengefulness, hatred, selfishness, the only animal that loves drunkenness, almost the only animal that could endure personal uncleanliness and a filthy habitation, the sole animal in whom was fully developed the base instinct called patriotism, the sole animal that robs, persecutes, oppresses and kills members of his own tribe, the sole animal that steals and enslaves the members of any tribe.
Hell's Bell's Jim!
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Humanity has unquestionably one really effective weapon?laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution?these can lift at a colossal humbug?push it a little?weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
I am different from [George] Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
He stopped, blushed, then continued low and sadly: Ah, my malady persecuteth me again, and my mind wandereth. I meant the King's grace no irreverence.
Herodotus says, Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
I am glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner.
He vanished, and left me appalled; for I knew, and realized, that all he had said was true.
High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water.
Honor is a harder master than law.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I am not given to exaggeration, and when I say a thing I mean it.
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
His grammar is foolishly correct, offensively precise. It flaunts itself in the reader's face all along, and struts and smirks and shows off, and is in a dozen ways irritating and disagreeable. To be serious, I write good grammar myself, but not in that spirit, I am thankful to say. That is to say, my grammar is of a high order, though not at the top. Nobody's is. Perfect grammar?persistent, continuous, sustained?is the fourth dimension, so to speak: many have sought it, but none has found it.
Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers; when I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him
Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. By forever, I mean thirty years.