Phyllis Diller, born Phyllis Ada Driver

Diller, born Phyllis Ada Driver

American Television Comedian and Actress

Author Quotes

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can''t see him laughing.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

My husband once worked for a company that had a merit pay system. After six months they told him that he owed the company money.

A musician may suddenly reach a point at which pleasure in the technique of art entirely falls away, and in some moment of inspiration, he becomes the instrument through which music is played.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

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Diller, born Phyllis Ada Driver
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American Television Comedian and Actress