W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

Fields reloading! [Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!"]

I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... (but found) only a pack of wild lies.

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I never met a kid I liked.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks.

Never try to impress a woman. Because if you do she'll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life. And the pace, my friends, is devastating.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?

Wife: Why don't you go to bed? WC: I thought I'd take a nap first.

Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag. WC: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet has been walking over my tongue all night.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.

It’s headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer