W. C. Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

W. C.
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer

Author Quotes

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.

Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that? WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

The best thing to break is a contract.

There’s no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Water rusts pipes. [His reasoning for not drinking water]

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Go away you silly pigeons and don't come back until you can shit green.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!'

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Man (to WC): You're drunk! WC: Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, by making a dog play dead.

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

There's an Ethiopian in the fuel supply.

WC: You know, if anyone ever comes in here and gives you a $10 tip, scrutinize it carefully; there's a lot of counterfeit money going around. Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

Airline hostess: Should I get you a bromo? WC: No. I couldn't stand the noise.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Author Picture
First Name
W. C.
Last Name
Fields, stage name for William Claude Dukenfield
Birth Date
Death Date

American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer