John Hodgman


American Author and Humorist

Author Quotes

Yeah, but Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. If anything, we use war as a metaphor for sports.

I have learned that newborn infants roll their eyes around and move their heads and their arms in short jerky spasms. And if you homeschool them, they will stay this way forever.

Like most experts, I've always defined a planet in common-sense terms: Can you beam down to it? Is it populated by green-skinned women? Would Galactus eat it for food?

People who run for president seriously and people who become president enter a bizarre secret society in which they have had an experience that none of us will ever have.

There's a tradition in American fiction that is deadly serious and earnest - like the Steinbeckian social novel.

You can't fight a war on terror if you're ending a sentence with a preposition.

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

Look at Dick Cheney. Financially he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night.

Perhaps it will be that some new old god comes. Say his name is DOZGOTH, the 701st, and say he takes pity on us. And a thousand years after all the suffering of RAGNOROK, he will retcon us back to the very day this book was published. You will remember nothing of what happened or what you did to survive. The only evidence that any of this ever happened will be this book, and the fact that you now have a tentacle instead of an arm. But you will explain that away simply by saying you are wearing an octopus sleeve. The mind can explain so many things when it wants to close its eyes and sleep.

This is not to say there are not Chicagoans. But I would suggest that they are a nomadic people, whose lost home exists only in their minds, and in the glowing crystal memory cells they all carry in the palms of their hands: a great idea of a second city, lit with life and love, reasonable drink prices at cool bars, and, of course, blocks and blocks of bright and devastating fire.

I know nothing about letting go.

Manly deeds, womanly hands.

Perhaps only one person will remember what really happened, and he will be named Jonathan Coulton. But he cannot tell anyone, for he is but an animal.

This is one of the defining sorrows of books: that we cannot see one another.

I Know you are asking: What if I am wrong?

Many people, many girls have tried to teach me the rules to football. And you would think that it would get in my head that way, but I just don't understand it.

Perhaps the Mayans WERE wrong.

This pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, and the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year. Or, as the government refers to them, citizens.

I still have a fondness for books. Many a time I will be antiquing, and I'll say, 'What's that old-timey curio over there? What is that, a candlestick telephone, one of those old pull-chain toilets? Oh no, it's a book. I used to help make those things! I will buy it and use it to decorate my chain of casual family-dining restaurants.

Maybe we WILL enter a new era of consciousness.

Publishers, editors, agents all have one thing in common, aside from their love of cocktail parties. It's an incredible taste and an ability to find and nurture authors.

Truth may be stranger than fiction, goes the old saw, but it is never as strange as lies. (Or, for that matter, as true.)

I think that obviously, there is a perverse attraction to a fundamentally changed world or the end of the world. There is a death wish, a perverse death wish. Not just for ourselves, not just for the movie 'Death Wish,' but for the end of all human life.

Maybe we will NOT destroy ourselves with technology.

Science is not science. It's an art, like... art, in a way.

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American Author and Humorist