Robert Benchley, fully Robert Charles Benchley

Benchley, fully Robert Charles Benchley

American Humorist, Newspaper Columnist and Film Actor

Author Quotes

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life which does not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.

New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with childen.

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

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Benchley, fully Robert Charles Benchley
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American Humorist, Newspaper Columnist and Film Actor