Great Throughts Treasury

A database of quotes

Evan Esar

American Humorist and Author

"Compare what you want with what you have, and you’ll be unhappy; compare what you have with what you deserve and you’ll be happy."

"Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions – because they know all the answers."

"If you have made up your mind that you cannot do it you're absoutely right."

"Footprints on the sands of time will never be made sitting down."

"A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much."

"A dollar saved is a dollar earned, but seldom vice versa."

"A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended."

"A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name."

"A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why."

"A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where."

"Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us."

"A vacation is like love: anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia."

"Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind."

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow"

"America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week."

"Barking dogs never bite -- while barking."

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in this world that just don't add up."

"Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose."

"Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall."

"Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures."

"Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does."

"Experience is the only school from which no one ever graduates."

"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space."

"Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either."

"Father's Day and Mother's Day are alike, except that on Father's Day you buy a much cheaper gift."

"Hope is tomorrowÂ’s veneer over todayÂ’s disappointment."

"Graduation: A ceremony that marks the end of college study and the beginning of education."

"Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it."

"If there's anything a dentist hates it's a drooping mustache."

"If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again."

"I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it."

"If at first you do not recede, diet and diet again."

"It is better to give than lend and costs just about the same."

"It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway."

"If you think there is safety in numbers, try playing roulette."

"If you want noise or silence, the drum is an instrument you can't beat."

"It's all right to break your word if you use a hyphen."

"Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven."

"Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure."

"Let those who want to, arrive."

"Life is a card game during the first half of which we get birthday cards, and during the second half get-well cards."

"Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

"Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them."

"One ounce of example is worth a pound of advice."

"No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get better."

"Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him."

"People who live in glass houses should take out insurance."

"Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary."

"Remember this on your way up, the biggest dog was once a pup."

"Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing."