Great Throughts Treasury

"One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife."

"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

"Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"A four-year-old child could understand that. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail out of it."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"All geniuses die young."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."

"An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady."

"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

"A likely story — and probably true."

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Any place I hang my head is home."

"Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor."

"And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!"

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed."

"But what makes wage slaves? Wages!"

"Budget: a way of going broke methodically."

"CHICO: Here's the book, it's a dollar. GROUCHO: Here's a ten, and shoot the change. CHICO: I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books."

"Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you."

"Call me a cab! Groucho replies, OK, you're a cab."

"Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind."

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

"Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!"

"Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pajamas? How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made."

"Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house."

"Don’t look now but I think there’s one too many is this room right now, and I think it’s you."

"Don’t point that beard at me – it might go off."

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. (taking someone’s pulse)"

"Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room and I think it's you."

"Don't point that beard at me, it might go off."

"Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses."

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood."