American Journalist and Humorist
"I have learned by experience that no man’s character can be eventually injured but by his own acts."
"A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor."
"A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little personal characteristics."
"A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet."
"A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest."
"A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world."
"A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant."
"A widow is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval."
"A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her."
"A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her"
"After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him."
"After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her."
"And verily, a woman need know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them."
"Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you."
"Call the bald man, Boy; make the sage thy toy; greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace."
"Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place."
"Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's punishment has been to supply a man with food then suffer the consequences when it disagrees with him."
"Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side and his nobler instincts - and another woman to help him forget them."
"Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her."
"France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are made in America."
"In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place."
"It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing."
"It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others."
"It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son - and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him."
"Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times."
"Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor."
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it."
"Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic."
"Never worry for fear you have broken a man's heart; at the worst it is only sprained and a week's rest will put it in perfect working condition again."
"No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a Master of Arts and a Doctor of Philosophy after catering to an ordinary man for a few years."