Great Throughts Treasury

A database of quotes

Paul Rudnick

American Playwright, Screenwriter, Essayist and Novelist

"There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy."

"Some people say we are diminishing the value of their property by increasing restrictiveness and I would say the opposite. That's been the experience of the county up to now."

"As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It's a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write. Having anybody watching that or attempting to share it with me would be grisly."

"Because there?s a clock attached to every beautiful woman. From the second she comes into her own, she begins to decline, because she begins to age. Aging is every beautiful woman?s kryptonite. And so, yes, it?s ridiculous and no, you don?t have much time and of course it?s not fair. Those three statements are the essence of beauty."

"And so I continue in borderline poverty, save for my one indulgence, no, my single absolute necessity: I take cabs. Yes, on occasion, when I wish to see what people with unpleasant skin conditions are wearing, I do take the subway. I have never, I am proud to say, taken the bus, because people who take the bus have given up."

"Dysmorphia is when someone looks in the mirror, and sees something else. While I studied my own whatever I was, I decided that maybe everyone has at least a touch of dysmorphia; maybe it's impossible for anyone to ever truly know what they look like."

"And when I'm feeling glum, because Gregory's away of because my daughter's just hurled her full glass of milk at my head, or just because time is passing, I like to scroll through the annual East Trawley High School online newsletter, which gets mass-emailed by Shanice Morain, who's on her second marriage and who cohosts her own Christian Soul-Support and Teen Prayer Variety Hour on local TV and who's just been appointed our class secretary. In the current Alumni Notes section I read that Katelynn Streedmore has just been named the head dietitian at the Jamesburg Assisted Care Facility, that Cal Malstrup and his wife Chelsea Marie have just welcomed their fifth bundle of joy, whom they've christened Blake-Jorlinda Malstrup, and that Becky Randle is still the Queen of England."

"I can?t quite put my finger on it, but there?s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be?. Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect? I know! said the prince happily. You?re a national disgrace! And do you know what else is interesting, I replied. In America, Prince is a dog?s name."

"Guy cradled his tux, stroking it, running his fingers incestuously over the satin stripe on the trousers. There is a satisfaction that only superb clothing can offer, the joy of man raising himself from the mud, vindicating evolution. Life cannot lack purpose if a tuxedo exists?this is the obvious reply to the Samuel Beckett canon."

"I?m glad you?re gay, she said solemnly, because that way, if I can?t have you, no one can. Um, Rocher, I mentioned, like, a dude could have him. This had never occurred to Rocher because she?d thought that Jate being gay translated as, I love Rocher Bargemueller so much but I don?t deserve her so I?ll never have sex again. The concept of Jate with a guy was fresh turf and Rocher regarded him with an especially deranged sparkle in her eyes. I could be a dude, she said."

"I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks."

"Nightlife is not for sissies, except of course for career sissies; an evening out requires at least a full day of minute preparation. . . People move to New York to invent themselves, and nightclubs provide a runway for the results. It?s easy to spend twenty hours per day slaving in a Pennsylvania coal mine or threshing some Nebraska oat crop; going out in New York is work."

"Oh my God. I love rich people. And royalty are the best because they?re rich people who can?t be fires."

"State your name. Venice Huber.Occupation? Well, it?s hard to say. I don?t model, land of the seventeen bimbos. I don?t act?after all, isn?t an actress just a model who won?t shut up? Let?s say, oh?homemaker. Could you die?"

"Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. I love you..., she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. I have to show you... my butt."

"There was a cable-TV program that documented how Peeps are made, and it showed unlimited hordes of Peeps bouncing merrily down a conveyor belt, right toward the camera. I came."

"Venice was luscious. She had real curves and real cleavage. She had a stunning face, set off by a broad, lascivious grin. She had an indefinable hairstyle, a swag of thick blond dazzle that seemed always in motion, falling in her eyes, getting caught in her mouth. Venice spoke in a husky growl, with a deep, filthy laugh. Venice was no stranger to flirtation; she was practically no stranger to anyone. She smoldered, even at breakfast. Venice?at times literally?enjoyed a love affair with Manhattan."

"Wait, I said. so you're saying that you proposed to me because I'm a mess and I'm a person and because we need each other, while Rebecca was ?? something else? I get it, I follow you, but I'm also thinking, is the bullshit getting a little deep in here? Yes, it is. You've caught me. And so fine, I will come clean, and I will tell you the absolutely true and naked reason why I want to marry you and only you, and not Rebecca. Why? Because when I'm with you, I'm the pretty one."

"WEDNESDAY (as Pocahontas): You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations; your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadside; you will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation; your people will have stick-shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller." BECKY (as Sarah Miller): Gary, she's changing the words! WEDNESDAY (as Pocahontas): And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."

"Wait, we cannot break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."

"Whenever I stumble over my own feet, or blurt out a thought that makes no sense at all, or leave the house wearing one pattern too many, I always think, It's okay, I'm from New Jersey. I love New Jersey, because it's not just an all-purpose punch line, but probably a handy legal defense, as in, ?Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.?"

"Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It's a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write."