Great Throughts Treasury

"Humor (is) something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"(Holds someone's red tie) Oh, I thought you were bleeding."

"(Talking of his two children) Mine are twins though. Both of them."

"(To a loud laugher in the audience) Sir would you be kind enough to explain to the rest of the audience how funny this really is."

"A year ago last year the world celebrated the birth of Ludwig van Beethoven because it was his 200th anniversary. I'd like to join in the celebration by playing "Clair de lune' by Claude Debussy."

"And now, Brahms! Joey Brahms! ...Brahms spelled backwards: "Smharb.""

"Before we start, the Balwin Piano Company has asked me to say that this is a Steinway Piano."

"Guiseppe Verdi... Joe Green to you."

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't"

"I don't know if you're familiar with the fact but Bach had approximately 20 to 30 children and I guess that goes for Mrs. Bach too."

"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."

"I don't mind growing old...I'm just not used to it."

"I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?"

"A smile is the shortest distance between two people."

"Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

"I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so."

"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary."

"If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward... The rest goes to the government!"

"I'll be very honest with you ... I know two numbers; one is 'Clair de lune' and the other one isn't. Do you have any preferences?"

"I'm going to play a piece...by a Danish composer. Umm... Mozart...Hans Christian Mozart!"

"I'm going to play it (Liebestraum by Liszt) with both hands because that way I might get through with it a little faster."

"I'm Lou Borg!"

"Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them? (Referring to the piano's natural shape)"

"It's your language, I'm just trying to use it..."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this number is a number during which most people cough."

"Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals."

"Mr. Azruni's uncle lives in Istanbul and is a road engineer. He was run over by a steam roller about five months ago and is still in the hospital in Room 21 to 27."

"My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it."

"My grandfather gave me this watch...a few minutes before he died...for 20 bucks...plus tax!"

"Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government."

"Of course I play only excerpts. (Pause) I don't know the whole thing that is."

"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

"Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year."

"Pete (Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky) was born in Votkinsk, May 7 1840. When he was a little boy he never played out in the streets of Votkinsk like the other little children of Votkinsk because when Tchaikovsky was one month old his parents moved to St. Petersburg."

"The cello stands about as tall as a 10-year-old boy (providing he's no taller than the cello)."

"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer."

"The shortest distance between two people is a smile."

"The soprano... is about four and a half feet tall... Lying down."

"The Steinway people have asked me to announce that this is a Baldwin piano. (Just before starting a piece)"

"There will be no dancing during this number... unless you absolutely have to!"

"This concerto was written in 4 flats because Rachmaninoff had to move 4 times while he wrote it."

"This is a piano concerto for piano and concerto and was originally written for approximately 95 pieces symphony orchestra. Due to circumstances beyond my control we seem to be approximately 95 pieces short. But you won't notice the difference because I play it very fast."

"This is a request from a lady (I sincerely hope). She is an elderly lady. Ah she's an old lady... you might as well face it."

"This is a wonderful orchestra. Every musician is an artist in her or his own right. It's only when we play together that we might have a little problem."

"Usually I don't do request numbers unless of course I have been asked to do so."

"We have a neighbor, well who doesn't...but he's our next window neighbor, because he does not have a door at that end of the house!"

"When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance."

"When you go home, please drive home extremely carefully...extremely carefully. Because I walk in my sleep!"