Great Throughts Treasury

"When Leo Tolstoy was an old man he was planting little apple trees. His neighbor laughed at him and called him a silly old man, because when the apples finally grew he wouldn’t be around to eat them. Tolstoy told him, “Yes, but other people will eat them and they will think of me.” It think that’s what we’re supposed to do: leave more than we’ve found, give more than we’ve received, love more than we’ve been loved."

"After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore."

"Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile."

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

"As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers."

"Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds."

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men? there is a three year waiting list."

"Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling."

"Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter."

"I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter."

"I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good."

"I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter."

"I came to America to make it my home, and I did."

"I fed my ego, but not my soul."

"I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course creates an environmental problem of our own."

"I go to New York and I saw a big sign saying ?America Loves Smirnoff? and I said to myself, what a country!"

"I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to."

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

"I like parades without missiles in them; I'll take Bullwinkle to a tank any day."

"I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world."

"I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else."

"If love is the treasure, laughter is the key."

"In America you can always find a party; in Russia the party always finds you."

"If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it."

"In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!"

"In America, you assassinate presidents; in Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!"

"In America, your work determines your marks; in Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!"

"In America, you watch Big Brother; in Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches you!"

"In every country, they make fun of city; in U.S. you make fun of Cleveland; in Russia, we make fun of Cleveland."

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."

"It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing."

"Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there."

"Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds."

"Never having alone time is real tough on people."

"My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love."

"Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder? what a country!"

"People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice."

"The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: ?How many in your party?? and I said ?Six hundred million.?"

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."

"There's depth in my comedy."

"The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington."

"To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper."

"We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts."

"Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy. [When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.]"

"We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel."

"When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter."

"We have no gay people in Russia; there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it."

"We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales."